Ni De Aquí_MAR_Ni De Allá

Another Chapter

2007-03-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

Well things have changed so much in the last couple of months. Not only have I changed my career paths but I have also changed the out look on life that I used to have. Having a positive outlook has been helpful and theraputic in so many ways. I am thankful for all the things that I have had the opportunity to live and I am thankful for all the people I have had the opportunity to meet. Tomorrow will be another day that will bring a new experience.

Tomorrow will be the day that I have surgery for the third time and for the second time I will have a cyst removed. The surgery is not complicated but I have been in so much pain that I am a little concerned with what the doctor will find. I hope that it is only the cyst that is causing the bothersome feeling and that once it is removed the only pain I will have are the effects of the surgery.

Today I am enjoying the day by just spending time with my older sister Veronica, my father and mother in-law and my husband Jorge. We went shopping and then we went to have a nice pho for lunch. It was delicious and I am ready for a nap.

For now I am just waiting for tomorrow to come and enjoy my time meanwhile with my family. I hope to be back to my usualy work and activities by the end of next week.

Life Changes

2006-10-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I have been able to type away. There have been life changes and I finally did what I had wanted for so long. I changed careers. I love what I am doing now. It provides the challenge I had been looking for. Along with that change many other changes have come along.

I am very happy with all the changes that have happened career wise and personally. Now I am driving around Central Texas trying to help individuals obtain the help they need in order to help their families survive and succeed. Although my new career is very satisfying it is not the easiest job to do and that just makes it more interesting because it is a true challenge.

Christmas is coming and I am not sure how things will turn out this year but we will see. These holidays are kind of hard on both Jorge and me. We miss our families, the family reunions, the festivities, traditions, food and so many other things from our past. With the holidays comes the sadness of my Grandmother not being here in a physical way. I get the feeling, sometimes, that she over sees how we all are doing.

I miss writing so hopefully I will be able to do this more often.

Growing Pains

2006-05-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have written and well life happens and I like to live it. It is not always easy living. In order to live, grow and learn we need to live through hard times that help to mold us to be the person we are.

My sisters and I have gone through so many things in life and one thing that I don't talk about any longer is how I have separated my life from my parents' life. There are so many situations and so many details that my sisters and I had lived through that we cannot be part of our parents' life any longer. As children we expect to feel safe, to have the protection of your parents. That was a detail that my sisters and I desired maybe since the moment we took our first breath but it was the one thing that our parents were never able to provide. To analyze why they couldn't or to go through their story would be just too long. The focus of this entry is about me.

I have suffered lately from being physically, emotionally and spiritually sick. The emotional and spiritual sickness is not as aparent as the physical aspect is. It has been very difficult and a constant challenge to continue with the daily life responsabilities but I do have a person in my life that helps me to continue to live day on day. I take this time to thank my husband for his support and continous love and care for me.

Have I ever thought about suicide? ... No, not ever have I thought about suicide. There were just days when I did not want to wake up and get up from bed but I did and I continue to do. Some days I cannot go to work and walk much but I do my best because there is that desire to go on. I love life but some times it just hard to face the hard issues that one lives.

It is hard to live without my parents. There are many events of my life that I would love to share with them. The reason I cannot continue to have them as part of my life is because I do not have to offer them what they want from me. Since I cannot provide them with what they expect from me it was a constant battle of feeling good about myself. My parents demanded (not asked for but demanded) so many things from me that they were never satisfied with what I could give them and they never showed to even feel proud with what I had accomplished and being the person that I am I wanted so much to feel that they approved and that my accomplishments were a sense of proudness for them. I have stopped feeling that way and have come to understand that it is not what I do to make others happy but that it's about what makes me happy. It is about what makes me happy. If other people can appreciate and share in my happiness then I will be happy to share with those people my life.

I knew I had to make a change in my life and actually I have made a change and I continue to make many changes in my life. I am scared in some steps that I am taking but they are necessary and I have the strength to continue. If no one in the world ever understands my separation from my parents I know I do and sometimes that is enough. There are many things that are hard to go through because of the decision I have taken, things that others take for granted, but it is the best decision for me at the moment. I love my parents and I think I always will but in order to continue to love them with the love that I have for them until now cutting them from my life at this moment in my life is the only way I can continue to hold that love for them. I want to continue to hold some love for them than to get to the point where they push me so much that I could ever get to the point that I would hate them. They have done so much damage that it's close to where I can get to that point.

A prayer:

I probably never will be able to tell you but I love you Mom and Dad and I wish you the best in the world. May you find the love and happiness that I wish for you and that you desire for yourself. I let you go because there is no way I could keep you in my life and have it be healthy for either you or me. God please never forget my parents and please always keep us close to You. I put in your hands my worries, my disappointment and my sadness so You may help me with them and so You may help me make of them what they need to become. In You I put my faith and in You I leave my life so that I may be the good person You need me to be so I may do something good in this world for You and humanity. Amen.

EN MEMORIA DE MARIA G. ESTRADA - Mayo 4, 2005

2006-05-04T05:23:00.000-07:00

En memoria de una gran mujer que impacto mi vida de una forma grandiosa. Por su cariño, por su forma fuerte de ser, por su empeño en ver a sus nietas (hijas) ser buenas y fuertes mujeres por eso y por mucho mas se le quiere y extraña inmensamente.

Con Cariño tus Nietas,

Veronica

Wendy

Raquel

All In My Head Part IV NOT

2006-04-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

So after going to see the rheumotologist for the last time I finally went to see my general doctor again and give that a try. I actually had to go also because I woke up with really bad back pain and I needed some relief.

There I was with Jorge at my side at my general doctor's office and she agreed she wasn't happy with the diagnosis of the rheumotologist who concluded it was all in my head. My general doctor sent me to have some more x-rays done. She also sent me to see a physical therapist, a specialist with back problems. Once there and after some exercises and some observation he concluded that the bulged disk from my lower back was causing some pain. He also checked my x-rays and noticed that I have some damage in my knees and that its caused by arthiritis. He said that the swelling and the feet pain was something he could not know what the deal was with that.

At the end of it all I'm just glad that I'm not crazy and that there is some relief to my back and hip pain. I'm trying to do as much as I can in regards to get some relief in my back but my feet well I don't know what's going on there. I'll be visiting my doctor soon but I'm just glad that my physical therapist let me know that it isn't just in my head. Although it was discouraging at times looking for another diagnosis I'm glad I had the support and the courage to continue looking for an answer to this whole situation.

Rocio Durcal

2006-03-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

Que descanse en paz. Siempre estara presente en nuestros recuerdos y con su musica. Muchas gracias por haber compartido con nosotros tu talento.

It's All In My Head Part III

2006-03-26T17:28:00.000-08:00

I went to see the rheumotologist last Monday and I came out very upset. So the specialist said, in many other words, that my aches and pains are just all in my head. I cried all the way back home. Jorge, my husband, went along with me for support to the appointment and I drove back home thinking I was just going to drop him off but on my way there I realized that I couldn't go to work. I was very upset, I felt like I had a broken heart and I was just overwhelmed.

The specialist said that my problem was stress, that I was overweight, I need to get into an exercise routine and that there is no illness in me that he can detect. He said he was going to write a letter to my general doctor and request that I take an anti-depressent so I can sleep better. As soon as he said that I'm sure all the colors went to my face and I wanted to scream like that screaming girl in the Mortal Combat game. I realized that he was thinking that I'm depressed and that it's all in my head. I wanted so much to just tell him what a coward he was for not telling me straight out that he feels and believes I'm depressed. For goodness sake I'm a twenty-nine year old woman and he couldn't tell me what he thinks his diagnosis is. I was so frustrated, mad and in disbelief that I paid this doctor $25 all to tell me that he thinks I'm depressed and he doesn't know what's wrong with me. That was it.

I came home and spend the whole day thinking about if I exaggerated in thinking that what the doctor was totally off or if I'm just in denial. I didn't get an answer. I asked Jorge but he couldn't give me an answer either. Am I depressed? I don't know. I have gone through a lot with everything that has happened since my grandmother's death but I feel like I'm getting over that and dealing with her death the best way that I can. Or is the distance between my parents and I the problem? I don't know. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with having to think about all of these things and could depression really make my whole body ache and get swollen? I just don't know what to think any more.

So I decided I'm going to give a hematologist a chance and if this type of doctor tells me the same thing then I'm going another route. I have been thinking that I might start by going to see a psychologist and maybe a naturalist type of doctor. I just feel like I'm going in a circle with no answers. It's like driving around in one of those major loops in huge cities that just keep you driving around and around with no direction and no sense of getting somewhere.

That's what I'm going through right now. I'll see if there are any updates and what happens next. I'm not looking forward to it but I'm also thinking about how I'm going to change my life in order to make life more bearable. Living with pain is just hard, frustrating and sad.

It's All In My Head Part II

2006-02-12T19:10:00.000-08:00

Well I have come to the conclusion that all that is happening to my health wise is not all in my head. I finally went to see a rheumotologist and well after taking a whole lot of blood and some of my urine he came to the conclusion that I do not have any disease that can be detected in either my blood or urine. So I do not have arthritis, lupus and so on. To my amazement he did tell me that whatever is going on with me is something they, as doctors, cannot detect it. In conclusion he does not know exactly what's happening to me.

I was furious when he gave those news. I felt frustrated, cheated and sorry for myself. Yeah it got to the point where I felt sorry for myself. I sat in my car after the appointment having my lunch there by myself in order to think about what was going on. I started to think, AGAIN, that maybe everything that I am going through is just symptoms that my mind is creating and that I, myself am making my body sick. See it's been about four years since I have had an actual vacation. Between getting the fiance visa for my husband, my two surgeries right before that, and then all the trips to Juarez, Mexico and San Antonio for my husband's permanent resident card and just one more thing my grandmother's death all my vacation and sick leave were used up. At one point I just started to think that my body, mind and soul are in desperate need of relaxation and peace.

Later that day I ended up talking to a lady that works at the university and she told me she knew exactly how I felt because she had gone through just about the same thing. She talked some sense into me and told me that I wasn't crazy and that I should just keep looking into what's going on and not to give up because she said that if I don't do something about it the doctors won't either.

I started to do some research into what a hemantologist does and I found something that describes all that I am going through. I feel some relief and well next week it will be another week into calling around and seeing who will see me or if the rheumotologist will suggest something else or if I need to just go out and try some other type of doctor.

At the moment I feel content with knowing that all the aches and pains that I feel and have been going through are not just in my head. I hate that my knees still hurt a lot and that I have rash in certain areas of my skin and that my head hurts... it's just that even though I have an idea of what my diagnoses is I wish I could get some help with a cure for it all.

A Letter To Heaven

2006-02-06T16:35:00.000-08:00

If I could write to my grandmother and send the letter to heaven I would probably tell her the following:

Granmita,

I hope that heaven is treating you well. I wanted to update you on the situation down here on earth although at times I feel like you know alot more than I do. Just in case: Grandpito finally came to live with Jorge and I and do we ever have stories about how things are going with him.

You know Granmita now that Granpito is living with us I have learned to appreciate you and all you did for him even more. He is one special man. Between Jorge and I we have tried to make him at home. We're trying to get him settled in and trying to get him all the services he had back in Brownsville.

We went to look for one of those Adult Dare Care Center and there is none like Mi Jardin. It's funny how I have realized that Granpito is prejudice but not because he chose that but because of the life teachings he had. Although he is prejudice and it isn't something positive I can't blame him for how he feels and how he reacts to people. He's been telling his stories about how when he was younger people just lived separate and kept to their own people.

He knows that gringos are, well made in their own way and although now they are his age when they were younger they were not as nice as they are now. He told me about how one day he was traveling in one of those train boxes and some gringos attacked a black guy that rode with them. He said that although they didn't mix the Mexicanos knew that they needed to help the black guys out that night. He said he told the black guy and his companions that even though the gringos were the authority that they should never show them any fear. Instead that they should work together and never let them treat them like they did that night.

Not only does he have a grudge for white people but he also learned that black people were just not like the mexicanos. The Mexicanos lived with and for their people. I've have a theory about his not learning English. English was not part of his culture nor did he need it for his survival and this is why he did not need to learn to speak English. It is still incredible after living in the U.S. 78 long years.

Jorge and I love having Granpito here. I don't know to what extend Jorge has learned to love my Granpito but they do enjoy a lot of time together. The time they spend together is full of happiness, laughter, conversation and good old fun. I love to hear how they bond, it brings this peace to my spirit and soul.

As for granpito and me well we spend time together talking, playing pool and we learn new things together about cooking, cellular phones and just over all just what our lives are like here. It's taking him some time to get used to how we live life here and how different it is for him here.

He rests a whole lot. He thinks a lot too which is what frightens me at times. Granpito misses you a lot. He thinks about you and he talks about you every chance he gets. Some times I can see the sadness reflect from his eyes because there were so many things that you did for him that no one else has ever done for him. He misses your cooking, your conversations, your love and tender care for him. Although we try to give him the best life we can we will never give him half of the things that you gave him.

We try our best day after day. We care for him and we make sure that he knows that he is loved and that we enjoy his company, his stories and that it's important that he share with us what life he has left over.

He's my Grandpito, he's the father that was and is absent in my life and he's a joy to Jorge, me and the rest of his granddaughters. I will do my best to give him a good life in our home. I wish you were here with us but I am happy that you are in a place where you are able to go with us every where we go.

Dancing & Music in my Head

2006-01-13T08:28:00.000-08:00

When I am having a bad day I replay, like a movie in my head, several specific memories. The first one is of a cousin's birthday party where all the family got together and after the food, cake and presents the music started. I was about fourteen or fifteen years old. One of my older cousins, Nacho, was at the party with his kids. If there's one thing that he loves to do is dance. It's not that I like to brag but we're pretty good dancers together and we made heads turn that afternoon.

When I was a kid my cousin Nacho (short for Ignacio) moved in with my family. He was a teenager and my sisters and I were just little guerquillas running around playing little girls games but the only thing that we all had in common was that we loved to listen to music. My sisters and I loved to listen to music and sing along to all the rancheras that my fathered played in the van when we went any where.

My cousin loved the same type of music but he knew how to dance to it too. There were some afternoons that he had nothing to do and so one afternoon he started to teach us how to dance. It was, over all, lots of fun for all of us. We laughed so much. That's one of the many memories that I enjoy remembering, all of us laughing and dancing away in our living room.

My older sister danced a little stiff. My younger sister could move her feet and hips but the upper part of her body she's more in control of. Me, well I could follow not only the way his feet would go but I got move the rest of my body the way he did. I loved it! It was such a joy for me. I could swing and follow his movements very well I was proud of myself. For once I did something way better than my sisters did. Then we wouldn't just dance in the living room but we'd bring the radio outside and dance right there in the front yard. We didn't care that people would drive by and watch, it was just so much fun for us.

Once we all got older we all kept dancing at weddings, quinceñeras and any other family party. Nacho and I put on a pretty good show though. We both loved the music, the dancing and the attention. Sometimes we would go to parties and we would take over the dance floor. It was so much fun. I felt like people could admire and appreciate a good dancing couple and they would applaud. It was nice having that type of attention.

The other memory that I have is of my wedding day. The day I was married I danced the night away. I danced with all my cousins, uncles, friends and I danced with my husband and I had a great, wonderful time. See I can't sing for anything in the world but if its about dancing it is something that I know how to do and I do it well. I can dance rancheras, guapangos, chotizes, cumbias, baladas and banda. Yes even banda! My new relatives, my husband's side of the family, were impressed and there it was the one thing I could do well. It was so much fun for me that night. My feet swelled up as soon as the party ended and they were all bruised from the bottom but nobody would ever undo all the dancing I did that night.

Since then I've hardly seen a dance floor. I have not danced in such a long time. I miss it. It's like a part of me is missing. The worst thing is that I have recently been dealing with a lot knee, ankle and leg pain. My doctor said that I am developing arthritis. I think the weight gain doesn't help either.

I miss my dancing me. I like my dancing me because when I dance I feel like I'm flying, I feel totally and completely secure of myself. Sometimes I dance in my chair at work. I put on my headphones and put the volume as high as possible and remember all those awesome dances I danced away at. It makes me feel nostalgic and I start to feel old.

Maybe some day soon I'll have the chance to dance the night away again.

Mi Molcajete Nacio Ayer Sabado

2006-01-08T20:12:00.000-08:00

La historia de como nacio mi molcajete.

Llevo cargando desde hace tiempo un molcajete que se me regalo algunos años antes de que me casara. Llevo mas de dos años de casada y nunca lo habia usado. Hace dos semanas llego mi abuelo a vivir a nuestro hogar. Con el, nacio mi molcajete.

Lo que sucede es que nunca antes habia tenido que hacer salsa, pero ahora que vive mi abuelo con nosotros, pues quise hacerle algo que realmente a disfrutado comer toda su vida. A mi Abuelo todo tipo de salsa le gusta, entre mas picosa mejor. Es una de las muchas cosas que mi abuelo y mi esposo comparten en cuestion de gustos. Los dos son felices al haber una buena salsa para acompañar cualquier comida del dia.

Comense por cortar el tomate y use pequeños y redondos chiles. Me tomo algo de tiempo para terminarla pero salio rica la salsita. Por primera vez use mi molcajete. Me dio mucho gusto haber podido hacer algo tan sencillo, pero tan deseado y familiar para mi abuelo y mi esposo.

Ahora mi molcajete vive la mayor parte de su existencia donde se puede admirar y no solo eso, pero que tambien se puede utilizar para lo que nacio. Quisas eso no tenga mucho significado para otra gente, pero para mi es una gran leccion, satisfaccion y alivio.

Mi leccion ha sido que uno nace cuando ha encontrado la razon de su existir. El significado, pues, que despues de tanto tiempo andando por el mundo y aun despues de haber tomado mi primer aliento hace tantos años, de pronto nace algo en mi que no habia nacido antes. El alivio es por sentir que aun despues de tanto tiempo encuentro que puedo hacer algo con mis manos, mis conocimiento y talento para darle gusto a los dos hombres mas importantes de mi vida.

What New Year Brings

2006-01-04T19:27:00.000-08:00

The new year has come and I've been very busy getting my grandfather settled into our home. I had also wanted to finish fixing some things in our home but I didn't have enough time. Now we're well into the new year and now I have the flu. I think I caught it from my grandfather who had the flu shot given to him before he traveled to Austin. I am kind of thankful for having had it slow me down.

Sometimes time just keeps going on and on and we want to run ahead of it but that's just something that we can't ever do. So our lives go by without every realizing how much time has gone by becuase we're so busy with our day to day life. So when we get something like the flu and it slows down our life I hope people don't take it for granted and that they can actually slow down and give their body the rest your body is asking for.

I am glad that I slowed down because now I have been able to go through some old pictures, remember things from when I was a girl. I also got to rescue some old pictures some of my paternal grandmother others of my paternal greatgrandparents. They have been like lost treasures that we were able to find and rescue when we moved my grandfather into our home. I love seeing those old pictures and being able to see that the old people were once young.

Then my husband and I started to go through pictures of me when I was a little girl, an adolescent girl and a few of when I turned 18. I looked at those pictures and I can't believe how young I look and how feminine I was. I never thought of myself as a feminine, good looking girl I was. My husband says that I'm still good looking. I just think I look way different than before.

Now that I have been able to look at these old pictures I actually have some piece of mind because it's like my child self esteem has been healed. Why? Well because I had always felt like the ugly duckling compared to my sisters. They were of a cinnamon color of skin, thin, dark colored hair with big eyes and of a normal height for woman who lived in the area we lived around. I on the other had was tall, built bulkier than my sisters, light brown hair, smaller, light, brown eyes and very light skinned compared to them. Now I actually love the differences between us and cherish what I was given by my genes because that made me, me.

Not only have I had the time to think and reconsider all of these old and new ideas but I have also been able to spend some time with my grandfather. I thas been fun going into the city with him and showing him around so he can get to know the city. My grandfather is a book of stories. Some he tells me over and over again and once in a while he remembers some old story he had never told me about his life before. I like those stories. It's like the more I go on asking about his stories the more he remembers. I like for him to tell me these stories because I'm trying to learn all his stories by heart so that when I have kids I can tell them what my grandfather was like and what he lived.

I'm happy for the flu, for slowing down, for old and new memories and stories. I'm glad that my grandfather is becoming part of our lives, routine and part of our story and memory. I thank God for everything he gives me because some things are just blessing in disguise.

A New Addition To Our Family

2005-12-27T04:52:00.000-08:00

We finally did it! My Grandfather finally moved in with us. At the moment it still feels like he is just visiting because of the holidays and all but he is here to stay. On the 23rd of this month we traveled six hours south. We got to the city he was living in and we packed him up and loaded his car and my older sister's explorer and we drove him back to Austin.

It was a little nerve wrecking because well for the first time we went back into the house where we grew up. My parents were not there so it was a little eery but we had to do what we had to do. After going through all my grandfather's stuff the only thing that I brought because I wanted to keep where all the old pictures that were in a big bin and a couple of card board boxes.

I went through everything two days ago. I separated pictures in a couple of piles. Some I gave to my older sister, others to my younger one. The ones that did not have either one of us in it I am going to pack and mail back to my parent's house.

Once we started to unpack my grandfather we put all his clothes away and I put up all the picture frames he brought. There were other pictures in what used to be his room but he did not want us to bring all of them. He picked his favorite and he brought them here. I put them up for him. I am so happy for him and for us.

I am so happy that that he is finally here. He looks calm now that he is here. Yesterday while I prepared breakfast he mentioned he had dreamed his parents like if they were right there just a hand reach away. I was shocked to know he had dreamed them and I could not even ask the details of the dream. I started to think and all I came to conclude is that now he actually fall into that sleep where he can dream and rest as he should.

Jorge and I are going through a change just because we know that now we have a new addition to our family and we are so excited and wanting to do all we can to make my grandfather feel like this is his house too and that we are here to help him. We are so happy to know that we are going to share our life with my grandfather. Now we can include him in our plans. It just feels like we are going to be able to accomplish some things that before we could only dream about.

Our new routine and our new life begins. Things are well here and there are so many new things to do and to accomplish. I think great things are yet to come with the new year. I wish every one as many blessing as we have received. Thank God for my small little family.

Viente Y Nueve Inviernos

2005-12-23T08:58:00.000-08:00

El dia 23 de diciembre, osea hoy, cumplo 29 inviernos. En este año han pasado tantas cosas que me han hecho sentir mas madura, algo vieja en momentos y me a hecho aprender algunas otras cosas. No todo ha sido tan mal. He vivido unos momentos muy alegres y felices con mi esposo. Junto con Jorge este año logramos con mucho esfuerzo, dedicacion y con muchos deseos y trabajo comprar nuestra casa.

A sido un sueño hermoso haber logrado comprar nuestra propia casa. Me acuerdo el primer dia que fuimos a ver la posibilidad y en cuanto nos dieron el si nuestras mentes se hecharon a volar con tantas posibilidades de lo que queremos para nuestro hogar. Fue una gran aventura haber visto como fueron construyendo la casa y haber tenido mucho que ver con los detalles porque entre los dos escojimos los detalles de la casa. Habia noches que ni dormiamos por estar pensando en la casa y en donde iba que cosa. Fue un momento lleno de alegria, stress, angustias y de sueños. Sobre todo fue un momento lleno de una gran emocion que compartimos juntos.

Al poco tiempo de que empesaron a construir nuestra casa tambien nos llego una gran tristesa. Nos avisaron que mi abuela habia muerto. Su muerte no fue una sorpresa pero aun asi nos dolio mucho haberla tenido que dejar ir. Aun sigue siendo muy dificil el estar sin ella. Ha sido la muerte de mi abuela que me ha hecho aprender muchas cosas y que me a hecho cambiar tambien.

Despues de tanto tiempo tambien por fin hemos decidido que pronto comensaremos a tener nuestros hijos. Hay dias en que me siento bien animada y que ya quisiera tenerlos entre mis brazos y luego hay dias en que pienso si estamos haciendo bien en encargarlos. Tengo una amiga que debe de tener su bebe en enero y hemos platicado mucho sobre su experencia con su embarazo y no puedo negar que me ilusiona mucho y me hace soñar en como sera para mi. Igual tambien me da algo de miedo y pienso en lo que el traer a un bebe a este mundo hara en cuestion de cambiar nuestra vida. Aun asi con tantas dudas tambien tenemos muchos sueños y al final de todo estamos muy alegres de ya pronto comensar a planear bien la llegada de nuestros hijos.

De todo este año la mas grande bendicion ha sido mi esposo Jorge. El ha sido un gran consuelo para mi cuando me sentia tan triste. Tambien ha sido la mas grande alegria de mi vida. Ha sido mi animo cuando ni ganas tenia de levantarme de la cama. Ha sido mi motivacion para seguir adelante, para seguir hechandole todas las ganas del mundo cuando mi salud no a estado de lo mejor. Me a ayudado con tantas cosas que no se que hubiera sido de mi si el no hubiera estado a mi lado. Gracias a Dios estubo a mi lado y nunca se separo de mi. Lo amo tanto que no hay palabras para decirle cuanto es lo que lo amo.

Estube pensando el otro dia de cuanto tiempo llevamos juntos y cuantos inviernos hemos pasado juntos aunque solo fuera por telefono y en espiritu porque vivimos lejos el uno del otro al principio. Recorde tantos lindos detalles que he vivido con el y hay dias que recuerdo pequeño detalles que tuvo conmigo. Son cosas que me hacen sonreir y que me hacen sentir como la mujer mas bendicida del mundo.

Mi vida tiene razon y tiene direccion gracias a que mi esposo esta a mi lado. Aunque a una mujer nunca le gusta saber que los años pasan y que se reflejan en uno yo estoy muy contenta este dia por saber que con la edad tambien llegan cambios. El dia que llego Jorge a mi vida llego la alegria tambien y junto con el espero poder llegar a ver muchos pero muchos inviernos mas. Muchas gracias por todas las cosas que has llegado a brindarle a mi vida y muchas gracias por el imenso amor que de ti nace dia tras dia.

Tu Esposa Que te Ama,

Wendy

A Letter To My Friend

2005-12-21T14:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Maritza,

Well I'm glad it wasn't out of the ordinary to have a crying woman in your work area. I hope you, Joel and the kids are doing well. Jorge, the cats and I are doing well. We've just been so busy trying to get over this time so we can get into our vacations and start to rest.

As for my parents and me knowing that I'm right in what I am doing well the truth is that I'm not always so sure it's right but I just been running out of options (at least I feel that way). I've been thinking and thinking and I tried earlier to talk to them and straighten things out with them but they just never do anything from their part to change our relationships. It's always the same vicious cycle with them and it just got to the point where I was and am just tired of putting up with their behaviour. Sometimes I just think how could people go through their lives tripping over and over again on with the same problem and never learning from that mistake. How is it that you never actually get it. It's hard to know that being parents the way they are that I am a product of each of them. Not because they are an embarrasment (which sometimes they are) but because I have the capacity to think, feel and comprehend things that they just never seem to get to and here we are living the same thing.
During this holiday it has been extremely difficult looking forward to these days. Every one is excited about having the time and getting to this time of year to share their lives and moments with their family and for me it's all the opposite. I wasn't even looking forward to spending these holidays with Jorge's family not because they aren't lovely people because they are but it would have been so hard on me to see that my sister-in-laws would have been able to spend time with their mother while I wouldn't even be able to call the woman who brought me up as my mother. On the 11th of December was my grandmother's dia del santo and with a heavy heart I had to live that day without being able to call her and wish her a happy day. For the first time in so many years I wasn't able to talk to her in person that day. I know all that about her being in spirit and all but you know that just doesn't fill you up when someone is missing in life. As much as you want it to fill you it just doesn't.

So I've been feeling like a total grinch during these days. I just can't get into it and I apologize for not sending a Christmas card but it just wasn't in my heart to do it this year. It makes me feel even worse because I tried so hard to get into it and I just couldn't and I think it is so unfair for Jorge but he hasn't been anything else but supportive, kind and loving. I thank God for him every day. Now that I'm at this point in my life I understand why my grandmother used to cry for her mother every holiday and why even when we were their she just couldn't help thinking about her mom that day and feeling that sense of loss.

When I think about my grandmother and grandfather it's like my parents are thousands of miles away and they just aren't part of the same story. I guess because they were always so far away during what were to us kids the most important days of the year. There's a totally different feeling for the viejos than for my parents. I just don't feel close to either one of them. The funny thing about it is that sometimes I dream about the mother, my mom should have been and it surprises me that even at this age I would dream of something that never was in my life but that I probably have always wished for.

I think so much now a days. Sometimes it surprises me how the time flies by and how many thoughts I have had in one day alone. My mother called the other day and left a very offending and not so merry message on my phone. The funny thing about that was that she called to wish me a feliz navidad. It made my heart feel so sad that after all the damage she has been capable of causing she still manages to find the words to continue doing more harm. I want so much to detach myself from those moments she creates not only for me but for herself and it frustrates me to know that even now feeling so distant from her, I still have not found the defense to be able to detach myself completely to the point where her words could be just that words. Instead, when I heard them, I felt like they were daggers cutting into my heart and wounding it over and over again. It so hard that all I could do was damn her and her words and erase the message from the machine hoping and wanting that I could in the same way erase them from my memory and my heart. I still haven't detached myself completely and to some point it even (I guess the feeling is) scares me to know that I'm getting there.

I now have this urgent need to have my children now for several reasons and one of them being that I want them to have a grandfather from my side that they can get to know and my grandfather isn't getting any younger. I have these images in my mind where my children ask me who are those people in the picture with me and there I am explaining to them who they are. I feel like they will never be a part of my children's lives. Although to a great extent I think that is for the best there's still this soar area in my heart to know that, that will be the truth of the situation.

That leads me to the next thought: How could two people who gave you life be so selfish that they could never see beyond their own hearts, feelings and thoughts to see their children's suffering, their pain, their thoughts, their disappointment and desire to have been wanted children. I think about that and I think about how I want to be for my children. I think about how I never want in any way be an inch of the image of what my parents have been to me. I hope that you can always consider and think about all that your children may feel, may think and may desire from you their parent so that you won't fail them in any way like my parents failed me Maritza. Every child in the world deserves to know that their parent has found their way and are giving you the child the best of themselves not because you are a child but because you love them and that's what they deserve.

I hope that my sharing with you all these thoughts, feelings and more will be able to help you in your life in some positive way. It's just that sometimes life can go by so fast we forget what we're really here for and why our lives are really important. These are the things that I am living with on a daily basis now. I'm having to forget and forgive my parents even when they can't even realize it because having them near is just so hard and so damaging to me. I feel that because I'm having to do this I'm also loosing a great part of relatives. Relatives that will never be able to understand why we've gotten to this road and relatives that will be so judgemental that they will never even consider the possibilty that my parents could have been wrong. I doubt that once my grandfather is here we will more than likely ever return to Brownsville again. I feel like I'm loosing a part of the past that once belonged to me but that has been so selfishly stolen from me, but because of all the damage my parents have done I just don't have the energy in me to fight for it any longer.

I just hope that I can repair what seems to now be a broken heart. I just feel too sad. Not depressed just over all sad. So anyways those are my thoughts and I'm sticking to them for the time being. Maybe one day I'll see life in a different manner.

Well take care and I'll write when I can. Have a great holiday with your family. The best of everthing for them and for yourself. May God always bless you and them with all the blessing possible and with great and beautiful surprises. God Bless.

Your friend,

Wendy

Mayito

2005-12-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

Mayito was a little boy that used to be my neighbor when I was a teenager and living still with my parents. He was about 4 years old when I met him. He came to the entrance of our yard riding his little, red trycicle. He was a cute little boy with a bob head hair cut. His hair was this bright brown and yellow, straight hair. He was fair skinned and had the most tender smile I had ever seen with these deep black eyes.

It was close to the summer when I met him and he started coming to the house because my grandfather used to sell candies to the kids in the neighborhood. I don't remember the first time he came to the house but I keep dreaming the day he rode up in his trycicle and started talking to me. I loved to spend time outside either cleaning the yard, washing the car or just throwing the ball to our dog Quito so Mayito would come often to just chat about how his day was and to ask me questions.

One day my two cousins came to visit and my younger sister and I sat outside with them just to hang out and talk. Mayito came riding with his little trycicle and just sat on his trycicle at the entrance of the yard. I said hello and he just looked at me with those deep black eyes of his all concerned and rode away.

The next day his grandmother showed up at the door. She was there to visit with my grandmother and I was around just doing the same old chores of every day. His grandmother, Bocha, (that's what her grandchildren call her) asked my grandmother about the boys that came to visit us the previous afternoon. My grandmother told her that they were our cousins and got into the details about who their parents were and so on. Then my grandmother asked her why she was curious. Bocha said that Mayito had gone to tell her that I was out there visiting with my boyfriend and that he was mad. Bocha asked him why he was mad and he said that because he was going to ask me one day to be his girlfriend.

I was so surprised and I didn't know what to say. The grandmothers started to talk about how my younger brother had gone through the same thing with one of Bocha's older daughters. My brother would take a shower, put on his little boots, his little jeans and shirt to wait for Lupita. She always came in the 4:30 afternoon bus and even though he didn't know how to tell time he knew about what time of day she would arrive. He would go to the end of the yard where the fence door was at and wait for her. Sure enough she came just about every afternoon and he would talk to her. She enjoyed it alot and was flattered by his interest in her. She thought it was the cutiest thing in the world.

One day Lupita never arrived that afternoon. At least she didn't arrive on the bus. She arrived a little later than usual and this time she arrived in a car driven by this guy my little brother didn't know. He later tolds us that she got off the car and the guy did too and that they stood outside by the car just talking. He was so mad. My brother said that he was sure that it was her boyfriend and that he hated her. He said she had broken his heart. That was the end of that.

Mayito on the other hand was just mad but he didn't give up. His grandmother later told us that she told him that the boys that were there were just our cousins and he didn't have anything to worry about. He started to come around again and I would talk to him. Then one day I graduated from high school and I moved away to go to college.

I didn't see much of Mayito when I would go back for visits. Finally one day in October (the month just stands out) my mother called me and told me that Mayito had passed away. I didn't know what to say and my tears rolled down my round cheeks. I didn't even know but it was later explained that he had ended up having a tumor on one of his cheeks. They took him to one of the best hospitals in Houston and they tried everything but the tumor was cancerous and it started to spread. I much later found out that when he was in the hospital he would ask his Bocha when I was going to go visit him. She kept telling him that as soon as the school would let me that I was going to go.

At first I was so angry because they had not mentioned to me anything about his health. His Bocha later told me that she had asked my family not to tell me. She said it was very hard to see how the disease had taken over his body. She said she wanted me to remember him like the healthy, happy child that would go visit me while I worked in the yard. It broke my heart to not only know that he was no longer in the world with us but to know that he had suffered so much. I couldn't believe just how much his Bocha (grandmother) had loved him so much that she wanted everyone to remember him as the joyful child he had been before the cancer.

I still think about Mayito often. Sometimes I dream about him. After that October and for a while I would come home from working at a elementary school and before I could step out of my car the tears would just roll. I would cry with so much emotion that sometimes the sobs were so much it was hard to gasp for air. At the moment I didn't know what was going on with me. I later found out that I never had a chance to grief for him and that I needed to do it. My grief stage went but my memory of Mayito lives on. I thank God for sending to this world beautiful children like Mayito who even though their lives are short what they teach us is an endless lesson about love, compassion and tenderness.

Feliz Cumple Años Mi Amado Jorge

2005-12-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

Estimado Amado Mio,

Muchas felicidades en este tu dia. Espero que te la hayas pasado de la mejor forma. Mis deseos para ti son que puedas ser feliz y que cada cosa que tu corazon y alma desean se te hagan realidad. Tambien te quiero dar las gracias... gracias por compartir cada año conmigo. Este año no a sido el mas facil para haber vivido conmigo pero tu siempre has sabido como hacerme sonreir. Por las noches cuando tuvimos dias bastantes largos y dificiles pero al llegar los dos juntos a descansar y te veia dormir le daba las gracias a Dios por darme la bendicion de tenerte a mi lado. Le daba las gracias a El por dejarte ser mi fuerza y mi motivacion de seguir adelante. Le daba las gracias a Dios por dejarme tenerte cada noche a mi lado para descansar y despertar entre tus brazos.

El dia de hoy y cada dia le doy las gracias a Dios por haberme dado la bendicion de conocerte y de que estemos juntos. Soy muy feliz a tu lado. Quiero que sepas que reconosco que un esposo como tu es como encontrar una perla en el mar.

Bueno muchas felicidades mi Amor. Que cumplas muchos pero muchos años mas. Tu esposa que te ama sin medida, Wendy.

Feliz Dia de tu Santo

2005-12-04T19:04:00.000-08:00

El dia 12 de diciembre es un dia muy importante para mi. No solo es el dia de la Virgen pero tambien era el dia del santo de mi abuelita. Maria Guadalupe cada 11 de diciembre prendía la television como a eso de las 11 de la noche. Seria quisas la unica noche que se quedaba despierta por su propia voluntad para ver por television la ceremonia de la Virgen que transmiten desde la cuidad de Mexico.

Tengo diez años de estar viviendo en Austin, Texas y mi abuelita vivia a siez horas en carro pero aun asi nos comunicabamos cada 11 de diciembre por la noche. Gracias a Dios por la tecnología y por inventar los telefonos. Yo le llamaba a mi abuelita para felicitarla y decirle que estaba viendo el programa. Asi era como si estubieramos juntas esa noche aunque no estubieramos por telefono durante toda la programacion pero sabia que en el momento que se terminaba el programa las dos cerrabamos los ojos para descansar.

Este 11 de diciembre espero tener la oportunidad de ver la programacion de nuevo pero esta noche no podre llamarle a mi abuelita. El dia 4 de mayo paso a mejor vida. Se fue a descansar de todos sus dolores y desde hace unos meses comense a pensar en esta tradicion que teniamos ella y yo y en lo dificil que sera este 11 y 12 de diciembre.

Por lo general yo era la unica que me acordaba de esta fecha especial para mi abuelita. Los demas de la familia como que sus vidas estaban demasiadas llena y se les pasaba como cualquier otro dia pero para mi siempre fue un dia que podria tomar para hacer tiempo para una mujer que tenia sueños y deseos de ver a su familia siempre unida y que la tuvieramos en nuestro pensamientos. Si nadie mas le llamaba yo habia hecho este dia un dia especial para ella y para mi compartiendo de una forma muy sencilla pero muy unica el dia de su santo. Se convirtio en una tradicion para de las dos.

Este año no podre llamarle. Intentare platicar con ella esa noche y con una oracion le mandare mis felicitaciones. Cada navidad nos juntabamos las cuarto, mis hermanas, mi abuela y yo para hacer buñelos. Asi que pense que para comensar la celebracion haria buñelos para que mi esposo les lleve a sus compañeros de trabajo. Asi podra compartir un postre que mi abuela, mis hermanas y yo preparabamos juntas con personas que se unen de ves en cuando para compartir historias y platicas. Mi abuela, mis hermanas y yo platicabamos de tantas cosas durante el tiempo que pasabamos juntas haciendolos. Era algo que haciamos por lo que parecia ser rutina pero ahora me doy cuenta que era una tradicion. Era un momento en que por el calor de la estufa se sentia un calor en la casa. Gracias a la canela y la azucar no solo era un calor pero era un calor dulce que no solo se sentia pero que se podia aprobar y disfrutar de tantas maneras. Fueron dias que ahora me doy cuenta fueron muy especial.

Durante el rato que estube sola haciendo los buñelos pense en cada cosa que mi abuela me aconsejaba hacer. Pensaba en que haria ella para que salieran ricos. Me dio gusto al ver lo bien que salieron y haber pensado en ella durante todo el momento que me tomo en hacerlos. Fue un placer en hacerlos y poder compartirlos con otras personas.

Gracias abuelita por todo lo que me enseñastes. Gracias por todo lo que compartistes conmigo. Gracias por haber sido parte de mi vida y por seguir siendo en formas muy sencillas pero muy especial para mi aun parte de mi vida. Que Dios te tenga en su imensa gloria y que te bendiga siempre. Tu nieta que te recuerda y que te quiere mucho... Wendy.

Two Years of Marriage

2005-11-29T15:16:00.000-08:00

Happy anniversary Amor mio. Today is our 2nd year anniversary. At times we start to think about all the things we have been able to accomplish in these two years and it feels like we have been together longer. When it comes down to talking about how we have enjoyed our time together it seems like we have only been together a month and it feels like that just because we have had so much fun these past two years.

Jorge and I met exactly 10 years ago today in person. We had been chatting away for about a year when I finally decided this guy had made my heart skip a beat and I needed to go meet him in person. I wanted to meet him in person because that was it, I needed to decide if in person we would like each other just as much as we liked each other just by chatting with each other. At the age of 19 I took a bus to Monterrey, Mexico and traveled with my older sister to meet this stranger but not so stranger.

When I saw him for the first time I thought gosh he is so skinny. He walked towards me and recognized me from a picture I had sent him and he came directly towards me and gave me a huge hug and a kiss. In that moment I realized that I loved how I felt in his arms and that just maybe I could live the rest of my life in them. Here I am living that dream out.

Seven years later on November 29, 2003 we got married on the exact date and day we met. It was a Saturday. We said our vows in front of our family and close friends and made our first dream a reality. It had been engaged for a little over a year when we got married and everyone, I must say, was surprised.

Our friends in college knew how we had met and they knew we would visit each other. They said it wouldn't last. Long distance love never does, but they were wrong. I would sometimes go to Monterrey and other times he would come here to Austin to visit me. It took about 8 hours on the bus to reach each other and the hours just seemed forever when we were traveling to see each other. Once we were in each others arms time flew by. Those were the years I suffered the most. Having to say good bye to him was all so hard and every time it got harder.

Now that we are together we cherish and appreciate the time we have to spend together. Even going to work and having to separate each day for eight hours is hard. We see each other just about every day during the week to have lunch together. I enjoy that time very much and to me it's sacred when we are together enjoying a meal together.

Not everything has been super romantic and we do not always see hearts flying around us. We have had to learn to live in harmony together and really it has not been a problem. More than anything I see it as an adventure. I have learned that things do not always have to be done my way and that I need to thank him for the stuff he tries to help me in.

We have learned so much about each other like what we like to eat and what we don't. I have learned that he does not like that bread stuffing and so that cream of mushroom chicken with stuffing is something that I am going to eat all on my own if I make it. Those are the kind of details we have learned.

The one thing that I have to thank Jorge for is for letting me know that he is here to support, take care of me and love me. He has been with me, holding my hand and by my side during this year which has been a very hard one for me. He has taken care of me when I have been sick and could not get up. He has been there with me during the times that I have needed to rest and recuperate. Loving him is just so easy and fulfilling. He is truly my angel on earth, my answered prayer and my strength to continue.

For all of this and much more I love you Jorge, my babe. I hope I have fulfilled your life as much or half as much as you have fulfilled mine. Loving and having you in my life has been an answered prayer.

Sunday Morning

2005-11-27T09:40:00.000-08:00

Well we put the barbacoa way too late. It had been planned that we were going to put it in the crock pot so that it would be ready for this morning. Well I put it in a pot and got it ready hoping that it would be ready for breakfast. It didn't work out so I made scrambled eggs and beans with flour and corn tortillas. It wasn't as good as the barbacoa but hey it filled the bellies.

I made some burritos for all the ones that are traveling back to their homes. As soon as they were ready I got them ready and packed them for my older sister and my grandfather and I made some for my in-laws. This way I know that on their way home if they get hungry they'll have something good to eat.

At the moment we're just sitting here while my younger sister and my grandfather sit here and discuss how messed up my parents are. It's like a venting session and a reality check. After the discussion it just feels good that we all know the stories the same way.

Mixtli is up stairs hidden somewhere taking her mid morning nap while Yohuac is around being adventurous and eating little by little. I'm just sitting here listening to the stories and typing away. It's just something I have to do.

What I would really want to do is go to my room, close the blinds, climb into bed and cover up and fall asleep. It has been a weekend full of hours spent with my in-laws, my younger sister, her husband, my older sister and my grandfather. Yeah I'm tired but it's all worth it. We had such a great time.

Some of the time we spent it playing pool with my grandfather and my father-in-law. We all had a chance to play and us the young ones learned some new things and we also got a lot of practice. By the end of the day my grandfather's feet were swollen of all the walking he did around the pool table. My father-in-law had not played pool in about 40 something years. It seemed like he picked up right where he left off and he had a great time. Jorge and him spent so much time together bonding like they had not done before. My love Jorge was so emotionally fulfilled and happy. He slept like baby.

The other part of the time we spent drinking coffee and talking about every topic of life. My older sister, my mother-in-law and I spent time talking about women issues, problems, difficulties and more. It was great learning about different issues and how it affects each one of us: my mother in-law because she's older, my older sister because she's single and me well being married, working and being a wife all in all together.

My in-laws have left to go catch the bus so they may start their travel to Monterrey, Mexico. My older sister just walks by with bags and bags of luggage. My grandfather and younger sister are still catching up and I'm coming to the end of this entry to take a nap with my eyes open.

Over all it was a good weekend. It sure is a good Sunday morning. It's a little sad to have to say good bye to all of them but it sure will be nice to take a nap without having to worry when lunch needs to be started. It's nice to see them all arrive but it sure is nice to see them go back home again. Blessing to all and thanks for a great thanksgiving weekend.

Thanksgiving con Familia

2005-11-25T22:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was thanksgiving and it was a long, crazy, tiring and fullfiling day. To start of with we started to prepare the turkey since the night before and it was on the grill by 2:00 am. Jorge decided that he would smoke it and smoked it was. At about 8:15 in the morning we left to pick up my in-laws and they were at the bus stop by the time we got there. It was awesome seeing them actually there. My older sister and grandfather had arrived about 5:00 pm on Wednesday afternoon. The only ones that we were waiting for were my younger sister and her husband. They finally arrived about 9:30 or 10:00 am. The family was here.

It took the turky about 13 hours to be smoked and ready to eat. Although we waited for a long while it was worth the wait. The turkey was delicious. Since it was my first Thanksgiving and at my house I had things to learn. Thank God that my mother-in-law was here. She told me how to prepare the gravy. She told us what to do with all the extra things that come inside the turkey and we were on our way to a good tasting thanksgiving lunch-dinner. It was good.

We all sat around the table and we had ourselves a great time. It was nice having loving, considered and special people around us yesterday. Of course my in-laws are here until Sunday as are my grandfather and older sister. We went out today and did a little shopping then we went out for non turkey food. We ended up at a Mariscos restaurant and it was very good. It was a nice lunch and the company was great.

I only have one thing to complain about and that's sharing my husband and not being able to see him as much these days. I only complain because I'm used to having him here but the joy I feel as I see him spend time with his parents is even greater. He is more than just happy, he is over joyed to be able to share with them the next stage of his life. It is the first time they visit us at our new home and they love it. I see them walking around the house and the yard suggesting what we can do and expressing how great the place is to them. It gives me this peaceful feeling to see how great things are with my in-laws and how much they love their son, my husband.

I have to thank God for all the blessing He has given us and all the insights that these days have had to offer us. Thank God for the great love and support we have and that I just had not seen until today.

My Mother Disowned Me

2005-11-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

Well it finally happened, what I had been waiting for a while and it finally happened. My mother called me two days ago to argue with me. She was screaming and just being crazy on the phone. I could not respond because I was at work I just could not get into it with her. Then I thought about it for a long while after I got home from work and how blessed I was that I was not able to respond to her in the way she was speaking to me. I doubt very much we would have accomplished or would have solved any of the problems that we are presently going through.

Our family was formed of 4 children, my grandparents and my parents. My grandparents were our guardians most of the year because my parents would travel to California each year because my father would work up there. My parents starting leaving us when I was the age of 10, well they actually left sometime while I was three and four and came back for 7 years and started leaving again. They would leave and work for 9 months and spend 3 months (the summer) with us. It was like a dream having them home. My parents were the people to hang out with, come home late with and overall just have fun.

My grandparents on the other hand had the responsibility of sending us to school, feeding us on a daily basis and covering our basic expenses. Although, they never bought us clothes, shoes and those sort of things they did their best to give us what we needed. They had been retired because of their disabilities for a while when we ended up living with them nine months of the year so they did not have enough to support four kids that were not theirs. Now that I am older I realize just how much they sacrificed just to raise us to be good, productive individuals.

My sisters and I get together and talk about how it was growing up with our abuelito (grandfather) and we realize that he was the funniest one to live with. He loved and still loves fishing. Since he was retired that's what he did and he didn't have to do much but sit by the edge of the port in Port Isabel and just wait for the fish to bite he could spend each and every day there. We all learned at a very young age that when he was fishing that's when he was the happiest . He was also the only one at home who knew how to drive. My grandmother did not drive and so we dependend alot on him to take us to places. The funny thing was that when we needed or wanted to go to the mall or to the store he would actually make us pay him the gasoline his car used. It would make us so mad because the little money our parents would send us we had to give it to the old man. Sometimes we would pay him with nickels, quarters, and dimes. He didn't care, he would take it and use it to pump up at the gasoline station. It was all money to him and he could use it. Finally, when he thought I was old enough, 15 years old, he bought a car and took me for a spin one afternoon. He thought I was good enough and I had been graduated by him to drive for the things the family needed. He then was free to fish as much as he liked. My grandmother was not happy about it but she would ride with me everywhere I had to take her.

That's the way our family functioned. It was never easy saying good bye to our parents and letting them go. It was even harder during the holidays because we would sit by the window hoping that they would arrive as a surprise. We would wait as long as sleep didn't win us over but we eventually all ended up in our beds and the morning would come and there were no parents. The holidays were not days that we looked forward to. My grandmother would cry so much and she never told us why because she probably cried for the same reasons we cried inside. We didn't want to make it any sadder so we just kept everything inside and we tried making it a good day. It usually ended up with everyone going to bed disappointed and knowing that miracles just never happened with us.

What I now realize is that there was a bigger plan in all that happened and did not happen to us. Since we spent so much time with my grandparents we learned to do things the way they only knew how. Now we didn't always like it but that's the way they did things and we had to follow their teachings. Now that I am older and that my grandmother is no longer with us I realize that we grew up to be strong, independent women because that's what my grandparents taught us to be.

After my grandmother's death the family suddenly realized that now that she was gone that there was no need to pretend that everything was ok. We all had all these repressed emotions and they came out and flourished. Some of those feelings are just so strong and they are emotions of regret, hurt and disappoinment that my sisters and I just can't forgive my parents for abondoning us for such a great part of our lives. Soon after my grandmother's death they started to demand more time from us, more attention, more love and more dedication. All these things that had always been hard to demonstrate towards two people who only knew and know how to think about themselves. Still to this point they only think about their hurt, their grief and their loneliness.

My father just decided not to have anything to do with us unless we reached out for him and my mother reached out but in such a negative way that we just ended up running the other way. Now we just keep as far as we can from them and they, well who knows what they think or feel now. Finally, my mother called one day and said "that's it I am never calling you, never bothering you never nothing with you." All I could say was "if that's what you have decided then so be it. Bye."

Abriendo la Puerta a mi Corazon

2005-11-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

Una carta para mi mejor amiga...

Bueno pues aquí me encuentro al fin escribiéndote para dejarte saber que a pasado últimamente conmigo. Espero que al recibir estas palabras se encuentren bien tu familia y tu con la ayuda de Dios. Aquí las cosas van pues algunas bien, otras no tan bien y otras realmente mal.

En cuestión de salud yo me siento pues más o menos. He tenido algunas complicaciones pero nada que sea grave y pues ahí voy tratando de que se mejore esta situación. Creo que lo que necesito y que vengo necesitando desde ya hace tiempo son unas vacaciones. Creo que eso es evidente pero como ahorita no se es posible pues ni llorar es bueno.

En mi matrimonio las cosas van bien. Nada ha pasado que sea así fuera de lo normal. Todo marcha bien gracias a Dios. Le hemos hechado muchas ganas a todo lo que hemos hecho últimamente. Lo que nos mantiene ocupados y alegres al igual que muy emocionados es nuestro nuevo hogar. Todo va quedando bien y espero ya pronto estar totalmente establecidos ahí. Aun tenemos cosas por guardar y cosas por poner en su lugar pero ahí la llevamos.

En los últimos meses he pensado mucho en muchas cosas. Una de esas cosas en las que he pensado a sido nuestra amistad. No porque no te he escrito o llamado quiere decir que he dejado de pensar en ti. Sabes, al ir sacando todas nuestras cosas poco a poco de cajas y ponerlas en sus respectivos lugares me encontré muchas cosas que hemos compartido con los años tu y yo. Creeme que estoy muy conciente de que llevamos mucho tiempo de ser amigas y de que hemos estado en las vidas de la una y la otra y le doy gracias a Dios por eso.

El día que murió mi abuela sentí que el mundo se me derramo y que quedo todo por debajo de mis pies. Me sentí como que tenía que recoger cada detalle poco a poco y ha sido realmente un trabajo que me ha dejado muy cansada. Senti que lo que tenia que poner como primero fue mi relación con Jorge y que tenia que mantenerla intacta. Necesitaba su apoyo, su amor y quise encontrar en mi la energia para responderle igual. Ha sido difícil porque al sentirlo a el tan cercas de mi durantes esos momentos en que recuerdo a mi abuela me ha hecho sentirme muy vulnerable algo que no es normal para mi. Siempre he querido y tratado de ser muy fuerte no importa la situacion. Pero aun me es muy difícil saber que la mujer que me crió ya no esta en este mundo conmigo como lo estuvo antes. La extraño y hasta en momentos he sentido que la necesito y me parece tan infantil de mi parte. Es un sentimiento frustrante estar en esta etapa de mi vida y sentir eso porque no importa que haga es algo que no puedo cambiar. Hasta ahorita no he llegado a aceptar que mi vida será así de aquí en adelante y estoy realmente molesta al saber que jamás la volveré a ver. Nada y nadie me la podrá regresar.

Aunque la gente lo hace con buena intencion no necesito palabras de nadie para decirme que esta en espíritu conmigo, que algún día estaremos juntas ni nada de esas cosas que la gente suele decirte. Lo que necesito hacer es poder llegar aceptar que ella ya no esta conmigo y que yo podré seguir adelante sin ella. Aunque es fácil de decir es muy diferente en sentir.

Sentí y he sentido la necesidad de separarme del mundo, de las amistades y hasta de mi familia para no hacerles daño. Se que al alejarme les he causado mucho daño pero cuando decidí hacer esto medí como era que podía hacerles mas daño si quedarme o retirarme y me di cuenta que la separación seria mejor. Desde mayo hasta hoy mi vida se a envuelto en pensamientos, sentimientos y demás de cosas que tienen que ver con mi abuela, su muerte y lo que yo siento ha sido un abandono. Y cree me que yo entiendo que no se fue porque quiso, entiendo que murio por su enfermedad pero aun así siento que uno nunca deja de ser el hijo/a de aquella persona y que cuando los necesitas siempre quieres correr a buscarlos porque sabes que si no tienen mas con que consolarte de perdido un consejo te darán. Así fue mi abuela durante su vida conmigo y ahora la extraño.

Me he separado de todos porque no he podido tener la paciencia para escuchar como va la vida de los demás, escuchar sus problemas y demás porque me he sentido cansada e egoísta, adolorida y hasta un punto perdida. He sentido que este dolor que llevo dentro de mi es mas grande que todo otro sentimiento que el mundo pueda sentir. He sentido en momentos que me destroza el alma y que no quiero hacer otra cosa más que dormir para olvidar lo que ha pasado. En resumen he estado realmente triste.

He encontrado alivio gracias a Jorge que ha sido mucho más que paciente conmigo. Se que el ha podido vivir conmigo al pesar de todo lo que he sentido y que sigo sintiendo porque me ama. No creo que pueda pedirles a los demás que hagan lo mismo por mi porque no creo que los demás quieran escuchar lo que estoy viviendo y sintiendo a diario. Siento y creo que es demasiado triste, pesado y quizás hasta aburrido. La verdad no quería darle la oportunidad a nadie más que me lastimara más de lo que ya me sentía lastimada.

Porque te digo esto? Pues te dire que es porque mis padres han sido una total lata desde que mi abuela murió. No han sido mas que para pedir, reprochar, demandar y encontrar cualquier forma y tiempo para lastimarnos no solo a mi pero a mis dos hermanas también. Ha sido difícil tener que aguantar, soportar y darme cuenta de cómo son realmente mis padres. Llevo mas de tres meses que no hablo con ellos porque se que nunca van a cambiar y ya me cansaron de que me traten como lo hacen y me canse de yo dejarles la puerta abierta para que hagan eso asi que se las he cerrado. Después de cómo se han portado no podía soportar que alguien mas me hiciera lo mismo así que hice lo que pensé que seria mejor y no permitirle ni darles la oportunidad a nadie mas de que me hicieran daño de alguna forma.

No se que voy hacer en respecto a mis padres. Día a día vivo y pienso en que será lo mejor. Pero aun no llego a ninguna solución. Al igual como llevo una entera historia con mis padres así también llevo toda una historia contigo. Has sido mi mejor amiga y por lo mismo no podía molestarte con todo esto que estoy viviendo yo ahorita. Yo se que no porque yo estoy pasando por todo esto tu vida se iba a tomar una pausa para esperarme. Sabes bien que en todo el tiempo que hemos sido amigas siempre he tratado de ayudarte y de estar ahí para lo que se te ha ofrecido pero últimamente no he podido brindarte todo eso. Necesitaba tiempo para poder darme a mi misma lo que en muchos momentos les he brindado a los demás pero para hacer eso tenia que aprender como hacerlo por mi. Aun no estoy segura que he aprendido pero estoy tratando de hacerlo.

Aun me sigo sintiendo vulnerable porque aun me es difícil hablarle a la gente de la muerte de mi abuela. Aun lloro cuando la gente me responde con lo que para ellos les parece palabras de consuelo que no se porque pero solo me hacen sentirme mas herida de lo que te puedas imaginar. Me duele tanto que hasta llegado a sentirlo como un dolor físico. En momentos no se que hacer conmigo misma. Por eso he tratado de seguir escribiendo pensando que personas como tu les importaría lo suficiente para seguir mis pensamientos si de perdido por lo que escribo, pero me he dado cuenta que no es así. Me he dado cuenta que necesito tener un contacto directo para que tomen en cuenta el porque de mi escribir. Quizás me equivoco pero es todo a lo que he podido llegar a concluir al no ver ninguna respuesta por tu parte a lo que he escrito. Así que decidí que seria mejor escribirte de nuevo y ahi que te mando esta carta.

Aquí esta lo que puedo compartir contigo hasta ahorita. No te pido me respondas, no te pido nada pero si algo me puedes decir será bien recibida tu contestación.

Since Last Year...

2005-10-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

Since the beginning of this year so many things have changed and happened. I feel like last December when Jorge and I visited my grandparents it was when everything began and I became very upset. During our visit Jorge and I realized how much my grandparents were advancing to the point in their lives where they needed to depend on others. There were many things that they no longer could do for themselves. As we drove back to Austin I also became very upset because I realized that my grandmother would not live much longer. Her disease had advanced and she looked very tired. I became upset with life and with what it would soon bring us. It was hard coming to the realization that she would no longer be around physically to be part of our lives.

During this time Jorge and I started to have family and friends visit us one after the other here in Austin. I tried my best to be a good hostess. My new family came too and it was nice having them visit us. We had fun with them and time just seemed to fly by during those days. It was hard to fully enjoy those moments. My relationship with my husband was maturing, changing and evolving into something very sacred for me. So somewhere along the way I started to isolate myself from my friends and people I knew. It was comfortable being far away from most of my friends and the ones that are in the city I guess they felt that since I had just been married and it is normal that I was very involved with my marriage. I was and am enjoying my marriage very much but I was also surrounding myself with the most purest and loyal love because it felt safe for me. I felt like it was necessary for me to surround myself with that.

Feeling this way was hard also because I have been the type of person that is a giver in my relationships. In most of my friendships and other relationships it was important for me to take care of the people I cared for but then the day I got the news about my grandmother passing away that day everything in that aspect of my life changed. At that moment all I knew was that I needed to focus on me, my well being, and my health and I felt like I needed to be a little more selfish and think about myself. It wasn't just my grandmothers deakth but along with her death came so much drama from what used to be my immediate family. My sisters and I knew that this would happen one day but we just did not know how it would manifest itself and how we would feel and what would become of our family. So I felt like I needed to be like a turtle and hide in my shell. I felt that I needed to focus on all the issues that were coming about and I decided that these the immediate family needed the most from me. Not only did they need me but I needed to be strong for myself. I had to think, feel and analyze what was happening and how all these relationships were changing and evolving. I decided that the most important relationships at the moment were my relationship with myself and my relationship with my husband and keeping things good between us was and is the most important relationship at this moment.

Now because of all these things that have taken place I feel that I have jeopardized many of my friendships. Although, it is difficult to realize it I don't feel as bad about what has happened because I knew and know that I could not give these people what they were used to and what they deserved and deserve. I felt like I just could not contribute anything positive for their lives. I tried explaining to some people how I felt and why I just could not answer their calls, their questions or be part of their lives at this moment. I couldn't be more open about my feelings and I could not just be a friend but I felt like some just did not understand me.

During these months it has been difficult for me to sort out my feelings. It has been hard to figure out how to work out all the details with my family. The only two joys I have found are the joy that my husband gives me and being able to spend time with my grandfather. Aside from that it has been hard to stop missing my grandmother and get used to the idea that she no longer exists in a physical way. It has been hard to feel close to other people outside of my home. I feel like I need to spend and make the time that is possible for me to make what moments I have with my grandfather memorable. At the moment I feel that I need to be cautious about getting close to others.

I cannot apologize for what life has brought my way because these things just happen. I feel I cannot apologize for feeling the way that I do in regards to my friends and the rest of my family because I still cannot control what I feel and it's not intentional. The only thing that I can apologize for is if I have made others feel bad in any way because in some way those bad feelings have been caused because of my behavior.

I wish I knew but I do not know how long this will last and I do not know what will become of me once this stage in my life passes. The only thing that I can say is that I am working on all these issues everyday of my life. I hope that I come out to be a better person after all of this and that I can be good to others like I once was. Until I get to the end of these issues I just can't give the best of me and for that I am sorry my friends.

Mi Corazon... Te Ama

2005-10-11T14:59:00.000-07:00

Mi corazón hace una pirueta cada que te ve entrar por la puerta.
Quisiera correr hasta donde estas para llegar a tus brazos.
Es ahí, en tus brazos, donde encuentra el calor y el amor que solo en ti encuentra cada día.

Mi corazón hace una pirueta cada vez que tus ojos se encuentran con los míos.
Me pierdo en ese inmenso mar verde, que me envuelve con dulzura solo con verme y ver mi reflejo en ellos.
Al aparecer mi rostro ahí, me pierdo en tu mundo, el cual esta lleno de felicidad y de ternura.
Es ahí, donde se ve plenamente la miel eterna de nuestro amor.

Mi corazón hace una pirueta cada mañana cuando te dice adiós, para comenzar un nuevo día de labor.
Aunque nos separamos, conoce bien el latido de tu corazón y a través del tiempo y la distancia nunca dejo de sentirlo.
El ritmo de tu corazón es el cual declara tu pasión por mí.
Al encontrarse cada día, nuestros latidos se unen para bailar un vals bajo las estrellas brillantes de cada noche.
Espera pronto poder volver a escucharlo, cercas del mío, cuando llega la tarde del día para volver de nuevo a bailar esa misma melodía.

Mi corazón hace una pirueta cuando acaricias mi piel con tus labios, y sienten el deseo por mi piel, que explota dentro de ti, piel la cual te provoca con cada beso y que siente como vas poco a poco calmando ese deseo.
Cuando ya los dos quedamos rendidos, entramos en el mundo de los sueños donde encontramos la forma para seguir amándonos.

Mi corazón hace una pirueta cuando escucha tu voz, que es la energía vibrante de cada de una de tus emociones.
Cuando me susurras al oído un "te amo", el cual vibra en mi ser, siento como con esas palabras rozan, acarician y corren por mi piel como un tren muy sensual que corre y llega hasta mi alma, donde sigue viajando hasta llenar mi espíritu.

Mi corazón hace una pirueta cuando los dos compartimos nuestros sueños, cuando platicamos y compartimos nuestras metas, pero es aun más grande la emoción cuando se hacen en toda una realidad.
Es como yo siento tu amor y el amor que yo tengo por ti.

Dedicado a mi esposo.

De parte de la mujer que te ama sin medida.

Tu esposa

Wendy

For My Cuz Cesar

2005-10-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

Today my cousin, the one and only that I have close to me and in the same city, told me he is getting married and the planning has started. His fiance and him announced their engagement a while ago but no date had been set but it seems that it will be set soon. I am sure that they will have a beautiful, wonderful wedding day because first of all they have been to a whole lot of weddings in the last few months and they have seen a lot of good examples. Secondly, their wedding will be awesome because they are two very sweet and loving people as well as their families. Now I don't know her family very much but my cousin has nothing else but good things to say about them when he talks about them.

I have not known my cousin all my life. We actually discovered we were related when he and my younger sister met either in high school or in middle school. I don't remember exactly which year it was but it was during those growing pain years. Back then he and I didn't talk too much but he would come over and hang out with my younger sister and their friends at our house. They were all a group of really noisy, loud teenages. Once my grandmother had it she would send them all to their homes by asking them "do you all not have a home of your own to go to?" and she would give them the stare. Then they knew that it was time to go, well sometimes, others they just ignored the comment and they would continue with their visit.

Finally a couple of years after I left to college my cousin followed me in my footsteps and came he came to the same university as me. Finally, I had a family member living in the same city as me. It has been fun having him here. I treated him like my little brother trying to make him learn all the things he could do and the ones he should stay away from. Did he listen? Most of the time no he didn't. He went off and discovered the world like many others do and experienced it for himself. Even though I wanted so very much to protect him from all the bad things that could happen to him I'm glad that he experienced certain things on his own because as I see him now I can tell that each experience has helped him to grow, mature and learn.

One summer we lived together. I think we got on each others nerves a lot of times but over all it was a good thing. We each needed company during those months and although we had busy, hectic and sometimes just down right very exhausting days we would talk to each other from one room to the other. I would be in my room lying in my bed while he was in his room lying on his mattress on the floor. Even though we couldn't be sitting in the living together and talking each one of us would hang out in our own room just relaxing and we would scream to each other because we were there and we could. Overall I did enjoy his company and I helped him out in what I could during that time and we both survived that summer.

It was during that summer that I got to see and talk more to his fiance. She is very nice and fun to talk to. During her visits it was when I discovered why they made such a great couple. They are so much alike in their unique way of being. They are both goofy, anxious to go out in the world meet new people and learn new things. They are both social, fun and interesting individuals. Both are very artistic in their own specific ways. Yet, even after, all these great qualities they both are humble and they keep their feet very well on the ground. They have very good hearts.

It has been a blessing to be a part of the blossoming of their relationship. It has been special to see them both dream together and hear about some of the goals that they have set together. They have grown into productive, caring and mature adults. They seem to be doing the right thing as far as being a good life partners to each other. There is no doubt in my mind that they will be very happy together.

As his cousin I get teary eye because I just had not seen how much he has grown and what a great man my cousin has become. I knew he was growing, maturing and doing great things but I just had not stopped and realized he is a fully, grown man ready to take the next step in his life. I feel like my little cousin went off flying and I had not realized how much flying he has done and how much territory he has covered.

Now all I can say to him is that I wish him all the happiness for him and his love. Always remember that she is not only your wife but also your bestfriend, life partner, your faith, hope and every blessed part of your life. Be kind, understanding and loving to each other always. Always, always respect each other like you have up to now. Be the arms she finds comfort in every moment she needs you and let her be your comfort when you need it. May God bless you both now and always in everything you do. The best of wishes your cousin who loves you both very dearly... Wendy.

Maybe It's All In My Head

2005-09-29T18:36:00.000-07:00

I finally made it to my doctor's appointment this Monday. My legs were swollen, my knees were in constant pain and my back was still bothering me some. I went with the faith that my doctor would be able to tell me what exactly was going on. So she checked me out and she decided that I needed some blood work done and that they needed to also do a urine test. So they took a whole lot of my blood, well at least it seemed to me as I saw one after the other tube taken.

I love the way my doctor is. She's very nice, attentive, and she shows genuine concern for what's happening to you. We talked about what was going on and what she thought it might be. She finally asked me if Lupus runs in my family. I never heard of anybody ever mentioning that word before. I had no idea what Lupus was. So I had my tests done and I was told that they would call me with the results. So I went on with my daily obligations.

I finally got a call a day later and I was not told what exactly my blood and urine tests showed but that I had to go see a urologist and a physical therapist. Right after that call I called my husband to share the news. More than anything I was upset because I'm still confused and worried because I am not sure what's wrong with me. Now I sit and wait for the referral to go through so I may be able to see these specialists.

As we were driving home my husband asked how I felt. He could see in my face that I was not doing well. It wasn't that I was in any pain but I was frustrated because I was waiting for this call hoping I would get an answer instead of an answer there's just more confusion. I told my husband that maybe it was all in my head and there really wasn't anything wrong with me. He sighed and he told me that he was sure that it wasn't just in my head and that we would be patient and wait for an answer. So then I told him that maybe it was just that I was tired. I don't like to worry him.

The one thing that I am sure of now after all of these things that have happened is that it is not my weight that is causing me all of these problems. While I was at the doctors office the nurse weighed me and in the last 16 days I have lost 7 pounds. So it's not my weight. Either way I hope to get my response soon. For the moment I will try to be as patient as possible. Once I know what's going on I will do my research and begin my healing.

My Fat Pants

2005-09-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

Today was a weird, long day. Even though it is a Tuesday it seemed like it was a Monday or a Thursday. For some reason a Thursday seems just as long as a Monday. Today it felt like one of those days. To start off, I felt sleepy and even though I slept almost 9 hours I still felt like I had not had enough rest. Then somewhere along the way and for God knows what reason, my knees started to hurt quite a lot. First they felt a little swollen and they started to hurt a little bit. As the day progressed so did my pain and my swelling. Around 4:00 p.m. this afternoon I finally looked at them and they were way big.

The reason I was so surprised is because even though I am over weight most of my weight is on the top portion of my body. My legs and arms have always been very thin, long but thin. Therefore, to see my knees so swollen really did scare me some. I still went along with going to the grocery store to get some things we needed after work. Once we were there my knees, my legs and my feet started to swell up and they felt so tired and I had pain at every joint. I finally had it and we left the store.

I wanted to cry and as I was walking to the car two young, beautiful young ladies walked by and passed us. I kept looking at them and all I could think about was when I was their age and how I used to run and keep fit. I probably really never ate as well as I should have but I tried my best. I hardly ever drank any type of soft drinks and I tried to keep fruits and vegetables as part of my diet. I never thought of myself as being thin or in shape but now that I look back and think about it, I was in the best shape that I had ever been while in my first two to three years of college.

So yes I am blaming my knee problems on my weight. It might be something else but at the moment all I can think is that it is my weight causing me all these problems. It isn't the only problem that my weight has caused me. I finally came to terms with myself that my current clothes at the time just were not fitting the way they should. I finally asked my husband to accompany me to the store to buy some pants that could fit me. I mentioned it to my sister and one day she asked me "Did you finally go get your fat pants?" When I heard her call them "fat pants" I was a little offended. For a split second I felt like she was making fun of me and then I remembered that I was the one who had called them "my fat pants" when I had told her I finally was going to go buy some clothes that could fit me. I took back my feeling offended because I realized that after all that was exactly what they were.

The other thing that upsets me a lot is that since we just moved to our new home I have not been able to give it my hundred percent so that we may finish fixing and putting everything in its place. I feel for my husband who, when I cannot do chores around the house, takes it upon himself to do what needs to be done. He has been wonderful but it scares me that one day it will just be too much for him doing so many things when I should be helping him. So even if it bothers me some to walk and get things done I try to help him out as much as possible.

I think about all the things that we have accomplished together. I think about how he was there for me when I had my first operation and the surgeon had to remove a cyst from my fallopian tube. My next operation, which only took place about six months after my first one, he was not able to make it to the removing of my gall bladder but he would call every chance he had on a daily basis. He was also there so many times when I suffered my worst migraines and he took care of me. He has been there through so much and I thank God for the love my husband has for me and for they way he demonstrates that love by taking care of me when I most need him. As time goes by I feel that my health only gets worse and I feel frustrated to see that my body cannot do more in order for me to feel like I am being productive.

So all of that brings me to the question I ask myself almost on a daily basis... What are you going to do in order to change all of this? I keep asking myself when am I going to get on a diet but then I realize how so much is going to have to change in order for me not only to diet until I loose some weight but to make it a life long change. Taking the first step is the hardest and I still have not gotten there yet.

I think that I need to figure out what exactly is going to be my first step. I just hope that I figure it out really soon. I feel that I need to.

Memories

2005-08-29T13:12:00.000-07:00

The apartment we are leaving tomorrow has been our first home together for my husband and I as a couple. We loved living there for the first year and a half together. It was very nice starting out there. So it's with bittersweet emotions that we say good bye to it.

This past weekend was a time full of packing and getting rid of things that I no longer use. I went into my closet and as I was packing the clothes that I won't be using this week I came upon two formal pants that I used to wear a lot. I remembered the day I bought them. It just made me think of a moment in my life that I had not thought about in a while.

My older sister and I had gone to pick my grandmother up to visit with us. There was a sale at the mall since she wasn't feeling up to the walk she stayed at my sister's while we went to look through the stuff this one particular store had the sale going on. I found two pants that fit me but they were for tall women. I liked them so much and since they were already for sale I thought we could fix them.

We went to my sister's again and we showed my grandmother what we had bought. She immediately went to the task of fixing the pants for me and they fit awesome once she was finished with them.

This weekend when I saw the pants I took them out of the closet and decided that I would give them to my sister-in-law who could use them. I handed them over for my nephew, her son, to take them to her. Before I handed them to him I folded the pants with so much care and told him how he needed to take good care of them. I had not realized why I had done that.

Later in the day, when we were going to bed, I just couldn't keep it in any longer. I started to cry with these huge sobs and I just could not help myself. My husband was surprised, although, I think he was just waiting for the moment that I was going to burst because I had been so quiet all day. I didn't want to be seen but I just could not keep it in any longer. I cried and cried. I had not mentioned to him why at that moment. All these wonderful memories of the things that my grandmother had done for me kept playing in my mind like a movie.

I also remembered the day her and my grandfather had made a big deal of buying my older sister and I a ten speed for each one of us. They went to the store with us and they asked what we liked and together we made the choice of what we wanted. We were so excited that day.

When I finally was able to talk, I told my husband why I was crying. I told him that I missed her so much. I realized that there would never be another moment in which she would be able to do something for me like she had when I was younger. The worst was now that we're doing so much better she's not here for me to do anything for her. Now that we are getting our new home she will never be able to see it and we will never be able to care for her in our new home.

The weirdest thing was that during the day as I missed her I felt this weird sensation in my heart. I felt like someone was trying to ease the pain that I was feeling at the moment. Like there was someone touching my heart directly and trying to sooth the pain that I felt. It made me feel so emotional and I missed her even more.

Although she will never see my home in person, I am sure that she will be part of my home and my life even if it's from afar. Who really knows if it's from afar, she might just be closer than I think and feel.

Dedicated to my grandmother who I miss and love very much. Thanks for all the things in life you have taught me. God Bless you wherever you might be.

Nuestra Casita

2005-08-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Welcome to our new home. At the moment I haven't had much time to post because we are trying to take care of all the details in regards to closing on a new home. Of course, we're also trying to pack, clean, and organize things. It has been a hectic time.

I am so happy to know that my two babies (my cats) will have more space to run in and more windows to hang out at. At the moment all the boxes in our apartment are taking up their play space.

Thanks to my two nephews who are here on their vacation time to help us out, things have been easier in regards to the packing. I appreciate it so much that they have helping us out. They have been so nice and supportive. They will be our first guests at our new home.

We hope to soon be able to have everything in it's place and that we have decorated our home with our taste in order to have people visit us. We thank God for his always remembering us, helping us accomplish our goals and for His eternal love.

To our family and friends thank you all for your love, support and patience. It has been a difficult time for us with all the preparation it has taken us to get all of this ready. We hope to have each and everyone of you over at our new place.

See you all soon!!!

Mixtli & Yohuac

2005-08-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

Mixtli & Yohuac

Two of my favorite beings in the world are my two cats, Yohuac and Mixtli. Cats tend to be more on the selfish side. They keep to themselves when they do not want to be touched and they will show you that they are unhappy when you pet them too much. Even then they are loyal to their caregivers. That is something that I admire very much of my cats.

Yohuac has been with us the most. He has been with us since he was three weeks old. Currently, Yohuac is one year and four months old. He has gone through his kitten stage and at the moment he is currently going through his adolescence stage. He has been healthy all this time and has grown into an eighteen pound, fun, loving cat. He enjoys being in the same room that my husband and I are in. He is not too much into the petting unless he is tired and wants to sleep at our side. Aside from my husband and I, no one else really ever gets to see this behavior. Most of our relatives and friends just see a super, hyper, energetic cat. Yet under it all and in the moments that only my husband and I are around him he is the most loving and tender little animal that I love.

Mixtli, well she is just a whole other story. She came to our home about a month ago. She is now in her third year of her life. We do not know much about how her first years were like but since the moment she came into our home she knew how to capture our hearts. It took her a couple of days to make her self at home and to feel that she could trust us. I think it was the food that convinced her. From the moment that she had her first taste of it she munched away on all her dry food. Then finally one day after a midnight snack she came and fell asleep between my husband and I. Since then she loves to be petted as long as she wants. Once she is tired she will let us know by trying to bite the hand that is petting her.

About a month ago my husband and I took Yohuac to the vet. He was not happy about it and he started to get into a ball, his hair got hard and it stood up. He also started to hiss at the vet and nurse and he tried to bite them to defend him self. He did all he could to avoid being hurt.

When we have visitors over he does not like some people and others it all depends. With some people he will purr and caress their legs with his body. While there are some people that he has never accepted, loved or liked. He will intentionally walk across their legs while they are sitting and scratch them with his claws. Some people he has jumped on them and scratched them. Now I know that this is not right and my husband and I try to avoid him doing this. With time we have learned whom we need to keep him away from and so we do this for his safety and for the safety of these individuals that visit us .

One day while we analyzed his behavior we came to the conclusion that the people he attacks are the people he fears could cause any harm. Also that they are probably the ones that come with not so good intentions into our home. Yes, sometimes he does get upset at us but we know that sometimes we test his patience.

The one thing that I love about my two cats aside from all their good and not so good characteristics is that they enjoy our attention. I love that most of the times when we come home for lunch or from work they will be waiting close to the door for us to come home. I love that when I stay home because I feel sick, Yohuac will stay by my side and sleep at my side. It is as if he knows that I am not feeling well and he will not ask for more but to be my company until my husband comes home.

I love that both of our cats will make us laugh each and every day with the way they play and spend time together. They will be the cutest when they come close to each other and they rub their noses together for a couple of seconds. They bring sincere and genuine joy to us on a daily basis. Even if they love us for feeding them the one thing that you cannot argue is that they know who takes care of them and who will be there for them day after day. Just maybe for this reason they are there for us day after day filling our lives with love and joy.

El Hombre De Mi Vida

2005-07-13T09:23:00.000-07:00

Juntos

Creo firmamente que Dios nos prepara para todo lo que viene.

Jorge y yo vamos a cumplir 10 años este agosto de habernos conocido por internet. Desde ese dia en que platicamos por primera vez senti que habia alguien en este mundo en quien podia contar siempre. De novios aprendimos muchas cosas de como ser mejores compañeros el uno para el otro. Ahora ya de casados el es para mi la mas grande felicidad.

Llevamos un año y ya casi ocho meses de casados y en este poco tiempo que llevamos de casados yo he vivido el momento mas feliz de mi vida a su lado, el dia que me case con el. Al igual he vivido el dia mas triste de mi vida a su lado, el dia que perdi a mi abuelita. Jorge estubo conmigo durante esos momentos y fue mi apoyo y mi fuerza, mi momento de serenidad y mi esperanza para esperar lo que trae el futuro. Verlo a los ojos me da motivacion y me da la confianza que necesito y es donde encuentro el amor sincero que necesito en mi vida cuando la vida parece ser demasiado dificil. Su sonrisa es el alivio y la tranquilidad de mi alma y de mi corazon. Su sonrisa y su mirada es mi hogar. Sus abrazos son mi proteccion y el lugar en donde siento toda la comodidad del mundo.

A su lado tambien he vivido las mas grandes de mis aventuras y he visto los lugares mas hermosos que he conocido. Juntos hemos logrado cosas que nunca pense lograr sola. Juntos seguimos logrando pequeñas metas a diario y seguimos planeando para metas grandes. Algunas que estan pronto por llegar y otras que con el tiempo se iran dando. Pero cada una se han hecho y se van haciendo realidad gracias a su fe, que solo ayuda crecer la mia, tambien porque con el, no es imposible soñar, si no que al contrario, los sueños solo son el comienso de algo que pronto podremos lograr.

Solo quiero que sepa que aunque en mis momentos de tristeza y que durante este tiempo tan dificil para mi, el ha sido para mi la luz de mi vida, la alegria de cada dia y mi sonrisa de cada mañana. Que no puedo esperar cada medio dia y cada tarde para llegar a estar entre sus brazos y ver su linda sonrisa. Me encanta pasar cada minuto que puedo con el y escuchar sus historias, su platica, sus teorias, opiniones y todo lo demas. Que quiero que sepa que al estar el a mi lado no me siento sola. Le doy las gracias por mantenerme entre sus brazos cada que cae una lagrima mia y cada que me siento triste. Le doy las gracias por entenderme y por ser comprensivo y tierno cuando lo necesito. Le doy las gracias por vivir cada dia de nuestras vidas juntos, por sonreir, por soñar, por las alegrias, y por cada detalle que me ofrece a diario. Espero poder brindarle todo lo que el me ha brindado en este tiempo que llevamos juntos.

Jorge eres el hombre de mi vida y a tu lado mi vida tiene sentido y razon de ser. Te amo con mi ser, mi mente, mi espiritu y todo lo demas de mi. Espero que Dios nos de muchos pero muchos años de vida juntos.

There's More To Life Than Grief

2005-07-05T12:50:00.000-07:00

There's Always More To Life

Here is my beautiful and angelical nephew and Godson. His name is Jonathan. We are spending this week with him, his parents and sweet older sister Rosimar. Yesterday we celebrated the 4th of July at Fiesta Texas in San Antonio, Texas. We had an awesome, fun time. Spending the whole day with these two great kids and their parents made me realize that there is so much more to life than just the grief that we sometimes feel. We laughed and enjoyed our whole day. There's nothing like the laughter, the smile and the goodness of a child to help remind us the adults that there is a lot of goodness and a whole lot of things in the world to be thankful for.

My Godson here doesn't look too happy. He had just waken up from a nap and well it was a hot day yesterday so he was a an awesome sport throughout the whole day. He had a wonderful time while he met Bugs Bunny during the middle of the day. He decided that he would sleep while he was in his mother's arms while in the he floated in his life jacket. I'd never seen a child take advantage of the waves and nap but my Godson is talented.

To finish the night we sat in the middle of Fiesta Texas' main plaza and enjoyed the firework spectacular. Jonathan could not stop looking at all the pretty colors and sparkles in the sky. While Rosimar she looked at them for a while and then got so excited she started to scream in encouragement at the fireworks. She laughed and smiled throughout the whole thing. It's nice to be able to enjoy such wonderful days of the years with such innocent and simple fun.

This morning while we, my husband and I, stopped by the apartment for lunch he was lying in the middle of the living room taking a middle of the morning nap. I sure do miss being a kid but I'm glad that he's taking advantage of his. His sister played PS2 with the help of my husband who, gladly, helped her figure out how to work the controls. We're looking to going home today after work and enjoying with them the afternoon doing some more family, fun stuff.

It has been a great relief and a great joy to have the children at home during these days. I realize I can barely wait to have children. I hope that I can be such a great mother like my husband's cousin. She does a great job and their father he shines too. Always a great sense of support to his wife. They make a great couple and all together a great family. Jorge and I just hope to be able to follow their example. We are happy to be part of their lives and happy that they share such great moments with us.

It's nice to smile again.

Now That She Is Gone

2005-06-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

It has been a little more than over a month since my grandmother died. Life for most of my family seems to be back to normal but I just feel so out of place. I feel my emotions are so out of control sometimes. There are times when I feel so overwhelmed and others when little normal things of each day make me either extremely mad, sad or just too emotional.

I feel for my husband who is the one person I spend the most time with. He is the one person I complain to and who I share most of what I am feeling with. He listens and although he always tells me that I should try not to allow things to upset me so much they do. Most of the daily situations that upset me happen at work but that’s where I spend most of my time during the day. Once I am at home it’s a different story.

I started to prepare myself for my grandmother’s death about two years before she actually died. She had been suffering with a terminal disease for a long while and once the disease started to really manifest in her we, her grandchildren, realized she would only be with us for a short amount of time. So I thought that it would be easier if I started to prepare before she actually left us. Every time I would visit her, at the end of our visits, I would say good bye to her thinking it was our last time we would see each other. We did this several times. She cried everytime and I just felt annoyed instead of actually allowing myself to mourn her.

The day my grandmother died I wasn’t there by her bedside. She had been unconscious for about a week and I believe she, more than likely, left our world a while before her body let go. It was May 4th when her body gave up and all I could do was think about what I needed to pack and that I needed to email my supervisor to let her know that I would be gone for some days. My husband and I traveled to make it to her funeral and when we got there the first person who, fell in my arms in tears was my father. I just started to prepare myself for what was coming but I didn't let go. I didn’t cry the first day but I also did not go up to her coffin to see what was left of her.

The next day I finally went up and when I took a look at how much her face had aged and how the funeral home had done such a crappy job on coloring her hair and the make-up I just couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down. She had always been a strong woman, who had worked most of her life. She was the woman who had given me advice and taught me how to sew, cook and be the best person I could be. She was also tender looking when she wanted to be and she had missed her mother since the day she died. She cried every Christmas I guess she just had too many memories that made her very sentimental during those days. She always had a good idea about how to fix things and she always new what tea to drink for any illness. She had her faults too but that just made her an even more interesting person.

The hardest moment was the moment when we took her to be buried. I rode, walked and stood next to my grandfather the whole time. To hear him cry broke my heart. I had never seen him cry with such sorrow like that day. I thought about the times I heard them arguing with each other because that was their way of loving each other and we, as their grandchildren, knew that they did this. I knew he would never be able to do that again. I held him, hugging him trying to comfort him but I wasn’t sure how I could comfort him when I couldn’t feel any comfort myself.

The coffin went down and they started to cover it up with dirt and every time the man with the shovel would throw more dirt over the coffin the more I realized that this was permanent. I started to realize that she would be left there. I realized that I, more than likely, would never be able to find her grave place again because I know my parents will never get her a gravestone. I realized we would walk back to the car and she would be left there. I knew that when we got to my parents' home my Grandmother wouldn’t be in her room calling us to come to her room to chat with her. I knew my Grandfather would for always sleep alone in that room and if my life had changed so much, his life would most definitely be the most affected. He hasn't said much about how he feels about this either.

I miss my grandmother deeply and most of all, I think, I’m just so emotional because when I thought I was preparing myself to loosing her I was just distancing myself, denying myself the chance to spend more quality time with her. I guess somewhere along the way I probably thought it would help the hurt be less. It just funny how things don’t always work out the way we think they will. I regret I didn’t spend more time with her but I also know that the time we did spend together was very fulfilling and that I was able to learn so much from her.

Now I just wonder what things I have to learn about this chapter of my life and what things I have to go through in order to get over all this grief that I feel.

In Memory of My Granmita

2005-04-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

I wasn´t sure how I would start my blog and it sat here for a while until today. I finally decided I would start with an ending. An ending is always a beginning to something else. My grandmother passed away May 4, 2005, of this year. She had been suffering with a disease for about four years and this last year was, of course, the worst.

Now when a person dies in our family that´s when everyone recognizes that the person was a wonderful, nice, and all loving individual. Maria Guadalupe Delgado Estrada was not perfect. She was not always nice and she did not have hairs in her tongue, so if she thought something she would speak her mind. Sometimes her opinions or thoughts would offend people but you could not deny that what she spoke was the truth. It did make us feel uncomfortable at times or embarrassed us at others. The genuine characteristic of my grandmother was that when she cared for someone she would do whatever was at her reach to help that individual and to demonstrate to them how much she loved them.

Anybody that knows me, knows that my parents are not at all parent like individuals, therefore my grandparents filled the parent role in my family. At her old age my grandmother took the responsibility to raise three very different, strong and difficult girls and one somewhat lost little boy. She did not like it most of the time but she took the responsibility very seriously. At times, now I realize, she was tired of taking care of children. She had done her part of raising a boy and she had her hands full with my father. Yet she never lost interest in her grandchildren and she never gave up on us. At the time when we were growing up as adolescents it was difficult for her to keep track of all three of us girls. We were all very involved in school activities and we had a lot of weekend meets to go to. She had to convince my grandfather to get up at five in the morning to drop us off at school and that was a big ordeal because he didn´t think that was part of their responsibilities. She did her best and always got us to our bus rides.

My grandmother and I well we were very much alike in character but we did have our differences. See my grandmother grew up in a time where women had to listen to their parents and when they got married to their husband. My grandmother was almost that type of woman. When she married she ran off with my grandfather and that demonstrated that she didn´t always abide by society's rules and she didn´t always listen to my grandfather but she made him believe she did. I on the other hand didn´t believe that I had to make people believe I was under their authority. I never liked to be told what to do and still do not. I don´t always agree with society's rules. I didn´t always agree with my grandmother´s opinions and her rules and we did our bumping of heads during my teenage years. Yet I am thankful for those difficult years because it helped me learn that I was a strong woman and that I could make it on my own if I had to at some point in my life. She was the strong woman that I admired for a long while.

When her health began to decline it was very difficult to be a witness of those years. She soon did what I thought I would never see her do, she gave up. She let the disease dictate how she would live her life and she just stayed in bed day after day. I am so angry for her allowing herself to do that. The last year of her life it was hard to visit her. I saw her a couple of times when she was still conscience and pretended to be contend with her but it was very hard. One thing I learned from her was to never be a hipocrite. I knew she didn´t need me coming down on her. She had enough physical pain and emotional pain to deal with because I knew that she too had realized that she had given up. She cried a lot every time she saw any of her granddaughters during that last year. That would make me even angrier but I didn´t all understand why she cried.

The last weeks she was in a lot of pain. I thought of her a lot each day of those weeks. I wondered if in the state that she was in, if she could feel the pain that her body was going through. She had been unconscious for a couple of weeks and she really no longer had much of a liver left. She wasn´t conscience because so much stuff that is filtered from her liver was going to her brain, so could she feel pain? The doctors said that the noises she made were more than likely just reflexes and that she probably couldn´t feel pain any longer. The family wasn´t content with that explanation so until the last day she did receive morphine in case she did feel any pain.

She finally let go on May 4, of this year and most of the family met at the funeral home. We all don´t live in the same city so my husband and I traveled six hours to be with my grandfather for that moment of a very difficult time. Although our family has never been at peace and we´re definitely not the perfect family we had never lost anyone in our immediate family. So granmita was the first to go.

Yes, we all cried at her funeral and at the burial but we were all thankful to God for having taken her to a better place where she isn´t suffering any longer. It had been difficult to see her deteriorate in the last four years so much. Now it is weird coming to my parents home and she´s not there. That home was never locked during the day because there was always someone there because my grandmother never left the house. I believe in the last 10 or 15 years she hardly ever went out. The last outing my grandmother was out on was the day I got married. She went to the reception hall she saw me get married there and saw me dance for a while and when she was tired and in enough pain she went home again.

Now if you visit my parents home you might not find anyone there and the door is locked. Which is what happened two weekends ago when my husband and I visited. On that trip I realized I had been very angry at the woman who raised me because I felt she gave up on life and in a sense she had given up on me too. I was angry at her for having loved my father so much when he had not given her all that she deserved. I was angry that she had not found the strength in herself to make herself well enough to visit me so she could see the world that my husband and I live in now. I was angry for her leaving before she could see the children that I plan to have some day soon because she was the type of grandmother that I would have liked for my children to have had and to have known.

Now that she is gone and that I have thought about things more I realized she did a very brave thing like she had always done. I realize she let go because her body could no longer keep her in this world and that she fought until she could but that after raising two families, her´s and her´s son, she ran out of energy and could no longer stay in this world. I realized she let go because she knew that she raised three very strong woman who will forever be a reflection of what she was and that we are the best that she has left behind in this world.

In memory of Maria Guadalupe Delgado Estrada, my grandmother, who was not the perfect woman in the world but who did her best to raise her grandchildren. She loved them the best way that she could and that she knew how. Thanks for raising us granmita!

With cariño,

Wendy E.P.

Ni DE Aqui Ni De Alla

2005-04-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

Wendy E.P.

I am glad that this is my second blog entry. Now I can explain a little better the title of my blog. As you may read on my information I was born in Corpus Christi, Texas, what seems now like a long while ago. I lived in Corpus for the first eight years of my life traveling back and forth from Matamoros, Tamaulipas back to Corpus. So I knew there was a world beyond Corpus Christi but at that time I never imagined how far away from it I would travel and how much I would miss it at times.

Now I drive by it at least once a month and I feel a nostalgic feeling as I leave it behind. Corpus Christi, Texas is a city that is located by the ocean. Its main street runs along the side of the Gulf of Mexico and my family and I lived what seemed like a mile away for a couple of years. For me smelling the salt of the ocean on a daily basis was not something that only happened on vacations but on a daily basis. My sisters and I were very happy living and growing up in this old, kind of rundown apartment. We never considered our family being poor we did not know about these differences.

At that age we did not know that society had different social and economical levels. We just knew that we lived next to these beautiful, historical homes that were used as museums and that that was our playground. Our parents were our parents. They did not have color to us. My mother stayed at home to care for us and my father worked. Our grandparents had always been part of our lives too.

At home we spoke Spanish and that was our first language. Why the cartoons on tv did not make sense, I never worried about such things. I was a happy little girl growing up with my family. Then one day I finally had to go to school and everything changed. I spoke Spanish and I had to be put in an ESL class. I did not mind my teacher she was a nice older lady who seemed to care for all her students. We sang songs that I just did not understand the words too in kinder. With time I started to learn them because I was a little parrot that just repeated everything. I learned a little English in kinder and I got through.

Then came first grade and I cried every day afterschool because I just did not understand how to do my homework. I had not learned to write in Spanish my first language and when I was supposed to have learned English it was just too hard for me at the time. So first and second grade were hell for my older sister who had to help me do my homework and for me because I just did not get it.

Now I am twenty-eight years old and things are a lot different. I now know how to communicate in English and I have learned in the last couple of years how to communicate even better in Spanish. Somewhere along the way I forgot a lot of my first language and I have had to relearn it since my husband is a Mexican national and he primarily speaks Spanish. I love being able to communicate well with others in Spanish and I feel blessed that I can speak two languages but as far as being a Mexican-American well that is just a whole other thing.

My husband says that because I was born in the U.S. that I am an American and only that. He says that the fact that my roots are Mexican have nothing to do with the fact that I was born in the U.S.A. Aside from that, I never lived in Mexico and I do not know what life is like to live over there. It makes me furious to here him say that: one because he is right I have never lived in Mexico and two because really I don´t think I would ever want to live over there. Finally, I agree that things in the U.S. are a whole lot better.

Yet here in the U.S. no one will ever let you forget what you look like and what your appearance identifies you as. Now my skin is a fair color but still no one would ever say that I am Anglo and not that, that is what I want either. Aside from the looks my life over all is just different. My parents struggled and still struggle because they are Mexicans, there is a language barrier, a cultural difference an educational difference. Their struggle affected my siblings and my life in many ways. Some positive while others negative. My parents, in an awkward and silent way taught us to stay on the safe side, and what that meant is that they taught us that you went to places you were accepted and you never called attention to yourself.

Now I realize I am not part of those places my parents felt safe in because I am not only a Mexican... I am a Mexican-American. I can speak both languages, I listen to music in two languages, I was educated in an American university and I just am not a Mexican. I do not speak like my husband does. His Spanish even sounds different. It is not only the vocabulary but it is he way he pronounces words so gracefully. He dominates the Spanish language. I feel like I was cheated out of something not being part of one culture or the other.

I am also not an American. I do not have blond or red hair. I do not have those Anglo looking freckles, and I speak English with an accent. My life compared to most anglos is very different. I grew up poor, migrating and working in the fields. I was the one that translated for my parents so they could pick up cardboard boxes from major companies´ dumpsters. My weekends and summers were spent with my parents working along their side either in a field or going from dumpster to dumpster. I did not have summer vacations and I never went to Disneyland or Disneyworld. The only restaurant we ever went to was Peter Piper Pizza and for that there was no need to get all dressed up in your Sunday best. After church you came home and took off your Sunday best so that you could wear something else to let your Sunday best last longer in that good condition.

So there are many of times when I feel that I am not from here and I am not from over there. I wonder if the U.S. were to ever ask us to leave if Mexico would take individuals like me? I do not think so. They would see me as an American. Yet the U.S. sees me as a minority, a Hispanic, which by the way I am not. The U.S. still cannot even define who I am because I simply am a Mexican-American. How can a country accept when it cannot even identify me? Maybe one day I will be able to understand something others do that I do not.