Another Chapter

Well things have changed so much in the last couple of months. Not only have I changed my career paths but I have also changed the out look on life that I used to have. Having a positive outlook has been helpful and theraputic in so many ways. I am thankful for all the things that I have had the opportunity to live and I am thankful for all the people I have had the opportunity to meet. Tomorrow will be another day that will bring a new experience.

Tomorrow will be the day that I have surgery for the third time and for the second time I will have a cyst removed. The surgery is not complicated but I have been in so much pain that I am a little concerned with what the doctor will find. I hope that it is only the cyst that is causing the bothersome feeling and that once it is removed the only pain I will have are the effects of the surgery.

Today I am enjoying the day by just spending time with my older sister Veronica, my father and mother in-law and my husband Jorge. We went shopping and then we went to have a nice pho for lunch. It was delicious and I am ready for a nap.

For now I am just waiting for tomorrow to come and enjoy my time meanwhile with my family. I hope to be back to my usualy work and activities by the end of next week.

Life Changes

It's been a while since I have been able to type away. There have been life changes and I finally did what I had wanted for so long. I changed careers. I love what I am doing now. It provides the challenge I had been looking for. Along with that change many other changes have come along.

I am very happy with all the changes that have happened career wise and personally. Now I am driving around Central Texas trying to help individuals obtain the help they need in order to help their families survive and succeed. Although my new career is very satisfying it is not the easiest job to do and that just makes it more interesting because it is a true challenge.

Christmas is coming and I am not sure how things will turn out this year but we will see. These holidays are kind of hard on both Jorge and me. We miss our families, the family reunions, the festivities, traditions, food and so many other things from our past. With the holidays comes the sadness of my Grandmother not being here in a physical way. I get the feeling, sometimes, that she over sees how we all are doing.

I miss writing so hopefully I will be able to do this more often.

Growing Pains

It has been a while since I have written and well life happens and I like to live it. It is not always easy living. In order to live, grow and learn we need to live through hard times that help to mold us to be the person we are.

My sisters and I have gone through so many things in life and one thing that I don't talk about any longer is how I have separated my life from my parents' life. There are so many situations and so many details that my sisters and I had lived through that we cannot be part of our parents' life any longer. As children we expect to feel safe, to have the protection of your parents. That was a detail that my sisters and I desired maybe since the moment we took our first breath but it was the one thing that our parents were never able to provide. To analyze why they couldn't or to go through their story would be just too long. The focus of this entry is about me.

I have suffered lately from being physically, emotionally and spiritually sick. The emotional and spiritual sickness is not as aparent as the physical aspect is. It has been very difficult and a constant challenge to continue with the daily life responsabilities but I do have a person in my life that helps me to continue to live day on day. I take this time to thank my husband for his support and continous love and care for me.

Have I ever thought about suicide? ... No, not ever have I thought about suicide. There were just days when I did not want to wake up and get up from bed but I did and I continue to do. Some days I cannot go to work and walk much but I do my best because there is that desire to go on. I love life but some times it just hard to face the hard issues that one lives.

It is hard to live without my parents. There are many events of my life that I would love to share with them. The reason I cannot continue to have them as part of my life is because I do not have to offer them what they want from me. Since I cannot provide them with what they expect from me it was a constant battle of feeling good about myself. My parents demanded (not asked for but demanded) so many things from me that they were never satisfied with what I could give them and they never showed to even feel proud with what I had accomplished and being the person that I am I wanted so much to feel that they approved and that my accomplishments were a sense of proudness for them. I have stopped feeling that way and have come to understand that it is not what I do to make others happy but that it's about what makes me happy. It is about what makes me happy. If other people can appreciate and share in my happiness then I will be happy to share with those people my life.

I knew I had to make a change in my life and actually I have made a change and I continue to make many changes in my life. I am scared in some steps that I am taking but they are necessary and I have the strength to continue. If no one in the world ever understands my separation from my parents I know I do and sometimes that is enough. There are many things that are hard to go through because of the decision I have taken, things that others take for granted, but it is the best decision for me at the moment. I love my parents and I think I always will but in order to continue to love them with the love that I have for them until now cutting them from my life at this moment in my life is the only way I can continue to hold that love for them. I want to continue to hold some love for them than to get to the point where they push me so much that I could ever get to the point that I would hate them. They have done so much damage that it's close to where I can get to that point.

A prayer:

I probably never will be able to tell you but I love you Mom and Dad and I wish you the best in the world. May you find the love and happiness that I wish for you and that you desire for yourself. I let you go because there is no way I could keep you in my life and have it be healthy for either you or me. God please never forget my parents and please always keep us close to You. I put in your hands my worries, my disappointment and my sadness so You may help me with them and so You may help me make of them what they need to become. In You I put my faith and in You I leave my life so that I may be the good person You need me to be so I may do something good in this world for You and humanity. Amen.

EN MEMORIA DE MARIA G. ESTRADA - Mayo 4, 2005

En memoria de una gran mujer que impacto mi vida de una forma grandiosa. Por su cariño, por su forma fuerte de ser, por su empeño en ver a sus nietas (hijas) ser buenas y fuertes mujeres por eso y por mucho mas se le quiere y extraña inmensamente.

Con Cariño tus Nietas,

Veronica

Wendy

Raquel

All In My Head Part IV NOT

So after going to see the rheumotologist for the last time I finally went to see my general doctor again and give that a try. I actually had to go also because I woke up with really bad back pain and I needed some relief.

There I was with Jorge at my side at my general doctor's office and she agreed she wasn't happy with the diagnosis of the rheumotologist who concluded it was all in my head. My general doctor sent me to have some more x-rays done. She also sent me to see a physical therapist, a specialist with back problems. Once there and after some exercises and some observation he concluded that the bulged disk from my lower back was causing some pain. He also checked my x-rays and noticed that I have some damage in my knees and that its caused by arthiritis. He said that the swelling and the feet pain was something he could not know what the deal was with that.

At the end of it all I'm just glad that I'm not crazy and that there is some relief to my back and hip pain. I'm trying to do as much as I can in regards to get some relief in my back but my feet well I don't know what's going on there. I'll be visiting my doctor soon but I'm just glad that my physical therapist let me know that it isn't just in my head. Although it was discouraging at times looking for another diagnosis I'm glad I had the support and the courage to continue looking for an answer to this whole situation.

Rocio Durcal

Que descanse en paz. Siempre estara presente en nuestros recuerdos y con su musica. Muchas gracias por haber compartido con nosotros tu talento.

It's All In My Head Part III

I went to see the rheumotologist last Monday and I came out very upset. So the specialist said, in many other words, that my aches and pains are just all in my head. I cried all the way back home. Jorge, my husband, went along with me for support to the appointment and I drove back home thinking I was just going to drop him off but on my way there I realized that I couldn't go to work. I was very upset, I felt like I had a broken heart and I was just overwhelmed.

The specialist said that my problem was stress, that I was overweight, I need to get into an exercise routine and that there is no illness in me that he can detect. He said he was going to write a letter to my general doctor and request that I take an anti-depressent so I can sleep better. As soon as he said that I'm sure all the colors went to my face and I wanted to scream like that screaming girl in the Mortal Combat game. I realized that he was thinking that I'm depressed and that it's all in my head. I wanted so much to just tell him what a coward he was for not telling me straight out that he feels and believes I'm depressed. For goodness sake I'm a twenty-nine year old woman and he couldn't tell me what he thinks his diagnosis is. I was so frustrated, mad and in disbelief that I paid this doctor $25 all to tell me that he thinks I'm depressed and he doesn't know what's wrong with me. That was it.

I came home and spend the whole day thinking about if I exaggerated in thinking that what the doctor was totally off or if I'm just in denial. I didn't get an answer. I asked Jorge but he couldn't give me an answer either. Am I depressed? I don't know. I have gone through a lot with everything that has happened since my grandmother's death but I feel like I'm getting over that and dealing with her death the best way that I can. Or is the distance between my parents and I the problem? I don't know. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with having to think about all of these things and could depression really make my whole body ache and get swollen? I just don't know what to think any more.

So I decided I'm going to give a hematologist a chance and if this type of doctor tells me the same thing then I'm going another route. I have been thinking that I might start by going to see a psychologist and maybe a naturalist type of doctor. I just feel like I'm going in a circle with no answers. It's like driving around in one of those major loops in huge cities that just keep you driving around and around with no direction and no sense of getting somewhere.

That's what I'm going through right now. I'll see if there are any updates and what happens next. I'm not looking forward to it but I'm also thinking about how I'm going to change my life in order to make life more bearable. Living with pain is just hard, frustrating and sad.